Great. Just great.

Why does life have to be so complicated? As soon as I think I get it figured out it seems to blow up in my face.
I was living the perfect drama free life. I was having fun with my friends. I was hanging out and getting along with everyone. I reconnected with a guy friend of mine with whom I stopped talking to for awhile. We stopped talking because there was some drama that needed to be sorted out. And of course that blew up on my face.
This guy friend has a little bit of history with a girlfriend of mine. They used to hang out and what not. Well it ended badly and she does not want anything to do with him. He thought that because it was so long since everything happened that they were cool again. Who knew that she could carry such a grudge?
Well she told me yesterday that she does not have time in her life for people who are disloyal and weak. She said I am disloyal because I wanted to be friends with her AND him. I wanted both of them in my lives. I was not hiding it from her. It never came up in conversation. I did not think it was that big of a deal. Okay so their relationship did not work out. It is not like I was trying to hurt her. I did not decide to be friends with him out of spite. I honestly wanted to be friends with both of them.
I understand where she is coming from kind of. He has not always been the nicest to me. He only hangs out with me when it is good for him. He is terrible at answering his phone. But my relationship with him should NOT affect my relationship with her. They are separate. We are not all in a relationship together. I have been thinking about this A LOT. Yeah I am not going to be messaging him. I am going to leave him alone and hope that he returns. They say that if you let something go and it comes back it is yours. If we are meant to be friends then he will come back around on his own time.
It breaks my heart a little that after all of this I lost two friends. I knew that eventually I would have to let him go. I knew that I was going to have to get over that fact that we would never work. Maybe talking to her was just the wake up call that I needed. I can only hope and pray that SHE comes back around. I can only hope that she forgives me I guess for being a terrible friend. Well at least she thinks I am a terrible friend.
This really sucks.

I'm back!

Sorry I left the blogging scene for quite some time. I have not felt inspired to write. Why would I write if I am just going to write nonsense? I want to write things that I feel are worth reading. I jotted down a blog during Economics class but of course I could not find it.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life. My love life in particular. It is such a mess right now. Why can't I just find a good guy? I know all the reasons. HE will be there when you are ready. He will find you when you are not looking. Maybe it is not a good time for you to be in a relationship. You should spend some time being single. Screw that! I do not want to be single. I am sick of being single.

A few weeks ago my family spent the night at this lodge up north. It was sort of our Christmas party. Well because I was the only adult without a significant other, I got to sleep in my grandma's room. I mean it wasn't bad. It was fun actually but still. I felt like a child. I try to put on a happy face for everyone. I smile more than most but I am lonely. I do not even enjoy my own company these days. That was something I used to always thrive on. I used to always enjoy spending time alone. Lately I hate the thought of being alone.

I am 24. I am not getting any younger.
I do not want your sympathy. I do not need hugs. I just miss having that one person that I knew I could always count on to be there when I needed to talk. I miss that companionship. Please do not call or text me and ask if I am okay. I will probably lie anyway. I just need time to sort this out in my head. I need to get comfortable with being by myself again. Heaven knows I could be this way for a long time.
Please do not message me. I am not asking for anyone's sympathy. I just needed to vent. I will be okay. For now I just need figure out this thing called life. Well at least I need to figure out where I stand in my relationship with me. But do not worry about me okay? I am strong.

Call me crazy

There are so many homeless people in Detroit. It is depressing. It is hard to walk around down town for class and NOT notice.
I want to do something for them. I want to reach out to them one person at a time. I am unable to reach out to all of them. I am unable to talk with each and every one of them on a daily basis. They need to know that God loves them. They need to know that, despite their current living conditions, there is love for them. They need to know that people care about them. They need to know that there are people that are willing to help even in the smallest ways.
I cannot convince myself that it is a good idea to go to other countries to do missionary work. I cannot convince myself that these people in other countries need our support. I know they do. I know they are suffering. I know they are poor and well beyond the poverty level that has been established in the USA.
On the same level, I cannot convince myself to go to these other countries when there is so much work that needs to be done on the home front. Detroit has so much promise and I want to do whatever I can in order to bring it back to the ravishing city it once was. I want people to WANT to come to Detroit. I want people to dream about living in Detroit like they dream about living in New York in California. Perhaps I am too much of an optimist but I will tell you one thing: I am NEVER going to give up on the city. I am never going to give up on Detroit. I know it is suffering. I know that it needs a lot of work. But I also know that if we all pulled together, we could get it to where it once used to be.
Here is where I started.
Last Sunday a friend and I started a little journey to make Detroit that much of a better place.
There is a homeless guy who stands on the corner of I94 and Moross. This is the exit we take when we attend weekly church service at his church. We wanted to reach out to this man. We had it in our heads to buy him a lunch but that was not enough. I bought some food from 7-11. He bought a coffee from Starbucks. We parked my car at his church. From there we walked to the corner where the homeless guy was standing, in desperation, for some fortune from God.
We presented him the food, coffee, and sugar for the coffee. We learned his name is Bill. His story goes as this: He was married for thirteen years and has children. (I forgot how many and I am unsure how old they are.) The wife found someone else of interest at the church and filed for divorce. She got all the money and the house. He was left with nothing. He was happy that she had the house and money because he knew his children would be taken care of.His plans are to get disability so he is able to get an apartment. He plans on attending church service next week at my friends church. I will not be there but I will keep you all updated.
We told him that God loves him. We chatted for about ten minutes or so. While we were sitting there another lady pulled up and gave him two bags of food which included bread, lunch meat, and fruit.
I could not help but watch around me as others drove by. I was surprised at some of reactions that I saw. I saw one lady shake her head. I do not know if she was shaking it at us talking to Bill, or if she thought he was taking advantage of us. Obviously that was not the case. We went to talk to him because we wanted to. We also knew that God had our back despite whatever happens. I saw several people staring. This bugged me. I hate being stared at. I felt as though they were judging us and the situation. This is not their job. It is God's job to set judgement and no one else's. (Just saying)
From this day forward, whenever I go downtown I am going to intentionally carry some sort of snack food item with me so that I will have something to give when I see a homeless man or woman on the corner. I will even sit down and chat with them as long as I have the time. They are just people. They are not homeless by choice.

How is YOUR time being used?

I have to admit. I get most inspired to write when I am sitting in coffee houses. This is usually where I can just sit and write. I put my pen to the paper and just let it roll across as words are produced. I know this sounds like a cliche. Who hasn't felt inspired by the atmosphere of a coffee house? How many starving artists produce amazing pieces of art either in the coffee house or just after leaving it?
I am supposed to be working on an essay but it is not due for a few more weeks. I am going to be working on it when I return home from work. Instead I am spending my time writing in the blog in hope that maybe I will get more followers.
I like to write for the simple joy of it. No editing. I embrace an flaws that my writing may have. If I had the time, I would sit in a coffee house from morning until dusk and just write. I would put my hand to the paper in the morning and not remove it until the store closed. However I do not have the time to complete this task.
Time is a delicacy we never seem to have enough of. When we have too much we complain. We do not know how to spend extra time when we get it. We complain of boredom because it is the only thing that makes sense.
In this super busy world, time is a necessity. It is necessary to make time for those who matter in your life. Bank those extra seconds, minutes and hours until you need to use them. Do not waste it. What is that point? You will never get it back. Once time is spent there is no retracing your steps for even an additional second in your life.
Life is too short to spend time on things or people who only bring you down. Smile at everyone you see. A gesture as small as a smile can change someone's day completely around. Be nice to everyone who crosses your path. Anger is a wasted emotion. You can lose a tremendous amount of time with someone because of anger. You never realize how important someone is in your life until they are no longer there.
Time can be used to earn money. I give my time every week and in return am given a pay check. Naturally this works for a majority of people. I agree to give up my time a few hours a week to benefit my future. The cost of tuition is costly but it is worth it in the end. Education is ALWAYS time well spent.
Speaking of time, I am supposed to be working on that essay. I am wasting time in order to write this. Time wasted or time well spent? How are most of your days used? Think about that with each and every decision you make in your life. Some days it is relaxing to let life waste away. It is comforting to see time fly and not have to worry about how it is spent. It is nice to take a breather. I spent 21 minutes writing this and of course I consider it time very well spent!

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This is my favorite time of the year! It always has been. I love the bright colors. I love how pretty the trees look. I love how they go from green to multiple different colors. I love the sound of leaves crunching under my feet as I walk down the street. I love apples. I love cider. I love doughnuts. The weather is perfect. Warm enough to get away with just a hoodie and a pair of jeans. Cold enough for some hot cider.

I love Halloween. It is just a fun holiday. Okay so it does not have as much religious symbolism. Who cares? It is a time where any one has a chance to be a kid again. I do believe that some people take advantage though. Some people use this holiday as a reason to dress to impress. They take classic costumes and turn it into something scandalous. Because seriously, when else would you see a vampire wearing fish nets? (Other than in some pornographic movie?) I really do not have much else to say.

Sorry this blog was kind of pointless. Sorry for wasting your time.

Those teachable moments...

I have had some amazing teachers in my life. They have taught me so many different lessons. Not all of these teachers were in a classroom setting.

My parents are two of the best teachers I have had. Besides the fact that my mom is the only one of the two that actually teaches for a living. My dad teaches in a sense. He is constantly instructing the staff that is below him. They have taught me to love. They have taught me that God loves me no matter what I do or say. I could list everything but the list goes on to eternity. Even though I am twenty four, I am still learning from them.

My sister is also a great teacher of mine. She does not realize this but I have been following her for as long as I can remember. I would annoy her from time to time but I always looked up to her. I learned from her mistakes. I learned how to relate to our father through her. Which, if you know my father, he is not always the easiest person to relate to. I am not saying this in a mean way. I am just saying this as a fact.

Then there is Destinee. She has shown me that family does not always have to be blood related. The family bond can be thicker than blood. God put her in my life for a reason. I will never regret approaching her the first day I saw here walk onto the soccer field with her family. I will never regret telling her that she could not push me away and that no matter how hard she tried, I would always be in her life.

Mr. Humphrey showed me that being a Christian can be cool. We all know that in high school peer pressure is thick. We want to be cool. We want to be able to fit in with the crowd and not be that kid. (You know the kid that is only ever remembered in negative ways?) He taught me to love myself. Of course he also taught me some science but naturally I forgot those facts already. I do remember him telling us that the sky was actually purple but our eyes are sensitive to the color blue so we see it as blue. Even to this day when I bring it up, no one believes me. I back it up with, "Well Mr. Humphrey said that.." Obviously if he said it, it has to be true. This is terrible but it has helped me a lot over the years. He also, unintentionally, taught me how to squeak my way through a class and manage a minimum grade.

Dearest Mr. Humphrey,

If you are listening, it it thanks to you that I have a hard time listening to Amazing Grace. Every time I hear it, I am reminded of you singing it as we all stand, shivering, around the flag pole in front of the school. This image haunts my memories every time I hear the song and I cannot shake it. I cannot forget how you smiled through the entirety of the class period, even if someone upset you. I cannot forget how happy you were to be doing what you loved. You were an amazing teacher and I was so blessed to have you in my life even for a very short period. It was that period of my life that was so crucial and you helped me through it more than you knew.

Thank you.

Now I cannot go through and list every single teacher that has impacted my life in some way or another. I have been lucky to have some really amazing ones of the years. I am not sure if this is coincidence but the English teachers, except Mrs. Pastoria, tend to be my favorites. They tend to influence me to be the best writer that I can be without even trying.

Control

God is amazing. He never ceases to amaze me in what he does. He has created so many beautiful things in this world. Look at the flower below. It is beautiful. When I first saw it, I knew I had to take a picture of it. It is so intricate. It is breath taking.

I went to church with the some friends the other day and the message really got to me. At one point the priest said, "You have to allow the spirit control in your life." I know I have an issue with control. I know that I like to think that I

am in control of my life. I did not know where this stemmed from until recently.

It came from an ex boyfriend. When I was with him, I had no control. I would show up late for work and school. I was poor because I practically signed my checks over to him. My credit card debt was through the roof. He had all of the control. It was not until I broke up with him that I gained control.

Even in the after mass he managed to steal what little control he could from me. As hard as I tried to ignore his phone calls, I returned one. I returned a call after he told me he was going to commit suicide. He did not answer but retur

ned the call saying that he was in the bathroom. However it was me that obtained all the control

in the end. I changed my phone number so he was not able to call me. My manager talked to h

im for me when he came into my work demanding money. I ripped up the letter he left me and threw it in the trash. I was broken hearted at the words he said to me but in time all is healed.

From that moment on I have been obsessed with controlling my life. I panic when things do not go according to plan. I cry, I freak out, I yell, and I scream. It is scary. I get into a zone and I cannot stop myself.

I need to allow God in. I need to allow him some control in my life. As crazy as my world is he needs to wash over me and his deeds will be done. I will follow his will until the day I die. All I need to do is allow him some control. That is not as easy as it seems.

Nerd.

School starts tomorrow and I could not be more excited. I got my hair done. I have my books. My backpack is ready to go. It has been ready to go since July.

I am a nerd. Honestly, I am okay with that. I have an earning for learning. I have a need to always know more. I am constantly looking up information online just so I know that much more. No, I do not use Wikipedia. That is not a valid source of information. Anyone can post an article on there and call it fact.

I love studying. Receiving a good grade on a test is worth it all. It shows how much I can handle. It shows how much I can obtain and cram into my brain. I cannot promise that I will remember all the information after the test but that is irrelevant.

I love writing essays. This comes easy to me. I can write an essay in a few hours and obtain an A on it. I am not bragging. I am merely stating the facts. I analyze every book I read. I analyze every essay or paragraph I read. Every word has a more complicated meaning. Everything everyone says means something else to me.

I am constantly asking people to say what they really mean. I am constantly analyzing people. I have an obsession with trying to figure out why people think the way they do. Perhaps I should have gone to school for psychology? Life moves on.

How can I analyze so much, yet when it comes to math, struggle like mad? Well this blog makes no sense. I just really wanted to write.

Stop reading this, seriously.

Go see The Help. Seriously. Stop reading this and go see it. You all know I am going to just ramble nonsense. Your time would be better spent driving to the local theater and seeing this remarkable movie.

I do not cry in movies. Okay, I do cry in movies but only at stupid parts. I cried in the last Harry Potter movie when I saw certain people passed away. I cried in a flashback scene as the put the whole story together and wrapped it in a neat bow. (I cannot give away too much because I have been informed that some people who read that have not even read the book yet.) I consider them slackers considering the book has already been out for a few years now. Irrelevant.

I have no shame in the fact that I cried in this movie. I grew up with these characters and, in my mind, I was watching a very good friend pass away. It was hard seeing someone I got to know so well, through text, die such a terrible awful death.

I get so involved with characters in books. I get to know them as I watch them struggle. I learn all of their personality quirks in the worse and best scenarios. After reading the Harry Potter books several times throughout the years they have become like a second family to me. It was a safe place for me to go when the world around me let me down. The best part of this connection is when I find someone else who likes the series as much, or more than, I do. I know I am weird but I am perfectly okay with that.

Why are you still reading this? Get back to your life. Get back to work....since I know a certain someone reads this while at work. (Not saying any names of course). In fact I think there are a few people who read this while getting paid. Gee, I wish I could get paid to read non-sense. Instead I get paid to make people fat. I am a minute part of the reason why this country is so obese.

Seriously, stop reading. If you are not working go see that movie. If you are more connected with your emotions than I am you will cry. I almost cried but was unable to do so. I was touched by the movie and I can say, that without a doubt, it is one of the best movies I have seen in a very long time. Yes, this includes the last Harry Potter movie and that is saying a lot. You will laugh. I did. This is not saying much though because I laugh a lot. I like to laugh. It feels good. If you have seen it, you can relate to how powerful the message is behind it. You will be able to agree that the movie is simply phenomenal. And for the person who has not seen it yet...who I was apparently supposed to go see it with...I am sorry but I will go see it again. THAT is how good of a movie it was.

"Piece of Cake" review

I recently finished a memoir called "Piece of Cake." It was written by Cupcake Brown. She relives her life as she fell into drug and alcohol addictions.

This was one of the hardest pieces of material I have ever read. It was not challenging because of the language. Honestly, I flew through it because I was anxious for the poor girl's life to turn around. It was difficult because I had a hard time relating. I have always had a loving family. I have never been raped. I have never been forced to provide for myself due to an unjust judicial system.

At the same time, the way she talked, I felt like I was really getting to know Cupcake. I felt like she was a long lost friend with a story that I needed to hear. I have yet to determine what made me pick up the book. I do not know why exactly I read the book and was unable to put it down.

In my mind, I was cheering her on the whole way through the book. I kept thinking, you can get through this because I know how strong and determined you can be when it comes to getting what you want or need.

I cried many times throughout the novel. It touched me and really spoke to me. What really got me is that despite everything she put herself through, she was able to come out on top and become very successful. I am much younger than she is and still feel like a failure because I have not yet completed school or found the love of my life.

I am not giving up. I will have my life where I need it in six years.

I am the kind of person who when I read a good story I will share it with anyone who is willing to listen. With this being said, there are already three people who want to read the book now that I have completed it. The first girl has possession of it presently. She was pretty excited when I gave it to her today.

All in all I give "Piece of Cake" by Cupcake Brown 5 stars. I recommend it to anyone.

Pay it forward.

Have you seen that movie? The child has an amazing insight to life. He does good deeds for people and asks them not to pay him back. Instead he asks them to in turn, do something nice for someone else. Why are people so hesitant to lend a helping hand when needed? In the same sense, why are people so hesitant to ask for help when there is not way they can survive on our own? What has the world come to that, by offering a simple gesture, we think the worse possible scenario? As a society, we are very pessimistic and mistrusting.

I will lend a helping hand to anyone without thinking twice. I always want to believe the best in people. This causes me to be gullible. It causes me to believe that no one would possibly lie to me because I would not lie to them. It blinds me to people who are shady. I would never think that someone is trying to cheat me out of anything because I would not do that to anyone.

This is something that I am working on. I do not want to become a pessimist. I want to be able to trust people. I want to be able to see the best in people. At the same time, I am done with people taking advantage of me. I am done with people thinking that I am just the nice girl that will always be there to help out.

It took me twenty years but I can honestly say that I have a group of friends that I would trust with my life. Growing up and all through high school I did not have the nicest friends. If you are reading this, obviously I trust you. However in high school I wanted to fit in so badly that I did not care how badly my so called friends treated me. And trust me, they are not the nicest people. This being why I do not talk to a lot of them anymore but that is a whole other story.

If you have not seen Pay it forward, I recommend it. It has been around for 11 years already and I feel that it displays a really good message. If someone lends you a dollar, do not pay that dollar back. In turn , when someone needs a pop to quench a thirst, buy that person a pop. The would would be a happier place if people were just a little nicer to each other.

Have a good night everyone. I paid it forward today, did you?

Capture those memories.

I have wondered and wondered why I love photography so much.

I have six cameras. Two of them work. I have, over the years acquired quite t he collection of cameras. I have a Polaroid, Two fancy film cameras (That I do not know how to put the batteries in), a 35 mm camera, and two digital cameras. One of the digitals I use for events of the sort. I have a baby shower at the end of the month that I am being paid to take pictures at. How cool is that?! I have never NEVER been paid to do photography before so this is exciting in my world. There is another baby shower in September that I am also being paid for.

Maybe I should put an ad on Craig's List? I would not know how much to charge. The lady for the baby showers is giving me $25 for the first one. The second one is still up in the air and being negotiated.

I love the idea that with the click of a button, you can capture an image and it is yours to keep for as long as you want. You can capture memories and look back on them years and years down the line. You can capture the beauty of a flower, and even if the flower dies, you will always have the beauty of it in the photography.

There was this tulip in my mom's garden. I got more excited about it than she did. It was all white, except one petal. One petal was half white and half red. I could not get over how much this flower fascinated me. I have never seen anything like it. I also could not understand why my mom was not as intrigued by it as I was. I showed the picture to several people and they were all impressed. I was actually accused of photoshopping the flower. There was no way in Heaven that that flower could exist without the help of technology.

Right.

I live my life behind my camera lens. I live to capture as many moments as possible. I am constantly taking pictures. With the exception of when I am at work (even then I have a camera phone) I always have a camera on me. I keep one on me. You never know when you are going to need it. Nature changes so rapidly. Things happen all the time around me that sometimes I wish I could capture and share with the world. There are times that the picture does the scene I am trying to capture no justice.

A few weeks ago a friend and I saw a rainbow. It was beautiful. We also could not understand where it came from because there was no prior rain. When I took a picture of it, there was no justice to be done. We were in awe at the beauty of the rainbow. I even pulled up to another car and made sure to point it out to them. If I enjoy it, why should I not allow someone else to enjoy it?

Have a nice day and don't forget to capture your life. ^_^

Reality tv? Yeah, realistic.

I admit it. I enjoy reality television. I enjoy watching people. This includes Jersey Shore. The people on the show are dumb. They are losers who party and have sex all the time. Yet, I find the show addicting.

I feel as though I get to know them. I feel like they are the people in high school that I was never cool enough to hang out with. It is weird. It is addicting but it is not reality.

When did it become realistic to have a camera follow you around all day long? When did it become reality that you can go with friends to Italy and party every night? This is a concept that I have a very hard time grasping.

I enjoy sitting in the mall and watching people pass. Sometimes I catch a bit of a conversation here and there. Maybe I should have become a psychology major. I analyze people to the best of my ability. I tell me friends, because I know them well enough, what they are thinking at times. I criticize my friends when they are making stupid mistakes. I am tough but it is because I know them. They also know me. They will also tell me what I am thinking at times. Crazy right??

I can understand why people like reality television. I understand the concept and how easily it is to get drawn into someone else's life.

I write this blog and share all of my emotions with whoever reads it. I leave my self vulnerable and leave nothing behind. I have no regrets with the information I share. I should be a reality show star. Then again, I think my life is pretty boring. Who would want to watch me? Anyone?

Would anyone feel so obliged to turn on the Dana show weekly to see what I am up to? I wish this blog was more popular. I wish I had a million strangers reading and they felt like they knew me through my writing. I have written in here for a little over a year and I still only have eight followers.

Those skills may come in handy.

I always forget how much I love baking until I come up with something that tastes so great. Of course I have my flops every now and then. There are a few things I have made that were just terrible. No, I am not saying this to dish for compliments. I am my harshest critic but aren't we all?

I have come to the conclusion that I am very hard on myself. When I do not succeed in even the smallest of tasks I get upset. I get frustrated with myself a lot lately because I know I could be doing so much better for myself. I have been working in fast food for six years now. It is time for this to come to an end. It is time for me to get a job that has NOTHING to do with greasy burgers and fries. It is time for me to work somewhere where I am not up until two in the morning mopping a floor or washing dishes.

I have had enough. I stick it out because at this point in time I have no other options. Until I find something better I am stuck in this world that I have created for myself. I am stuck in the world where I contribute to the obesity factor that we all have come to love in the great country of the USA. Yes, I help make skinny people fat and fat people fatter. You laugh but it is, in a sense, part of my job description. I am constantly told to make sure I am upselling more food so the company can make more food.

This job kind of depresses me a little. People make it seem as though it is so serious but it isn't. It is just yet another obstacle that I have to go through to reach my final goal. The final goal being owning a bakery and allowing people in low income families work. I am going to allow people who would not normally be able to get a job work and make money for their families. It will probably be high school students and somehow the program will run through the school, or city. I have yet to figure that part out but I have more than enough time before I reach that point.

I get frustrated so easily at work. I have no tolerance for ignorance. Yet so many people that come through are so ignorant that they frustrate me. Honestly, how hard is it to order food at a fast food joint. People act as though they do not know how to read. Look at the menu, check out the prices, figure out how much money you can spend, and order accordingly. If you have a question ask. It is simple really.

It is nice to have nice customers come through. It is nice to know that not everyone is a dick. It is nice to know that some people know how to read. It is nice when they order with confidence as though they have their order rehearsed in their head before coming through. Simple things like that make life so much easier.

I have heard of people who are afraid to bake. I have also heard of people who are afraid to cook. I have a hard time figuring this out. These are both such simple processes. If you know how to read and how to follow instructions, I promise you should be fine. By reading directions even the dumbest person in the world can make cake out of a box. The same person would also be able to make macaroni and cheese.

With all of the resources that are available, we can learn how to do anything. I believe there is a website called howto.com?? I could be wrong. I also am unsure how valid it is. I have never visited it unless I get navigated there through Google. (Which by the way is one of my favorite resources)

Just because I do not know how to bake the best and most elegant things in the world I am on my way. When I mess up a recipe I look up information online and try again. I do not give up. I keep on perfecting it until I am exhausted. I was once told (by a teacher who I did not necessarily like) that practice does not make perfect, perfect practice makes perfect. Even though I did not like this teacher it makes sense. If you keep practicing but are making mistakes, the final result will have mistakes. This is the one thing he ever said in the four years that I had him as a teacher that ever stuck with me.

My advice to anyone is if you love doing something, keep doing it. If it is a hobby, why not keep doing it? It never hurts to be better at something. It never hurts to have more skills under your belt for your personal resume. I am always working on my baking and cooking because quite frankly I am nowhere near where I should be at this point. Thanks for listening.

Good night.

We all make mistakes!

Mistakes. We all make them. We are human.

Recently a member of my church and his wife both made some pretty big mistakes. They are both in big trouble because of the poor decisions that they made over the past few years.

Do I judge them? No, it is not my job to judge. Do I hate them because of what they have done? No, because they are paying for them regardless. I will welcome them into my life with open hearts. They have not done anything to me personally.

I saw the story on the news last week and I could not believe my eyes. I almost fell out of my chair. My mom cursed. None of us could believe what we were seeing. How could people we see every week have done something so terrible? These are people that we are not necessarily close with but it is like our extended family.

I do not shun them for what they have done. I pray for this couple every night in hopes that something good will come out of this mess they created for themselves.

I am not going into detail as to what they have done because I do not believe that would solve anything. The fact of the matter is I do not know the whole story. I only know what I have read in the newspaper and seen on the news. Their whole family attends my church but I am unsure when we will see them there again. Unfortunately there may be a little bit of shame and humility involved. I can only hope and pray that they will over come this humility and know that we are there for them as a congregation.

I make mistakes. I am human, what do you want from me? I mess things up from time to time. I crash my car, I spill things, I say things that I shouldn't. I am not perfect, nor do I ever try to be. All I can do is be the best me that I can. All I can do is hope that when I mess up from time to time that there is someone on the other end who is willing to forgive me.

Celebrities make mistakes and we all know that they do. It is all over the news. This one did this, this one stole that, this one overdosed on this. Blah blah blah!! I do not care. I am well aware that we all mess up sometimes. Wouldn't the world be a little boring if everyone was perfect? This reminds me of that one movie where it is all black and white and it slowly turns into color when people have sex. The sex is what makes the movie interesting. It adds color and because of this it adds an extra dimension into the movie.

It shows that in a world where everything is black and white perfection can only last so long. In the end of the movie when everything is colored they are happy with their imperfections.

In the end of the day I will forgive anyone who has upset me. I will forgive anyone who has broken my heart. I will forgive annoying customers for not understanding how to order in a drive thru. I understand that we all make mistakes every now and then.

My only hope is that when I make a mistake is that I am forgiven and welcomed into the House of God with open arms just as that couple at my church is!

Work rant.

I need a house elf. I need someone to fold my laundry and put it away. I needed someone last night to wash the two hours worth of dishes that I had to clean last night. It was unneccesary. I hate Saturdays. They are my least favorite day of the week. It is the day of the week when everything that can go wrong at Wendy's will.

I do not like feeling behind. I do not like thinking that I cannot catch up no matter how hard I try. I work hard no matter what some people say. There are nights at work though when I feel as though I deserve a little bit of a break. Last night was one of those nights. It was just terrible.

I try not to complain in this blog but I just need to rant.

I need to get these thoughts out of my mind before I go insane!

The drive thru is currently under construction. Usually there is someone stationed outside the window to collect the money and give the customer their order. This person is sort of a middle man so the customers do not have to drive through (I am so angered that I had to look up how to spell that simple word. It kept looking off when I typed it. sigh.) Last night we did not have that extra person.

Despite the fact that I would say, "Please drive UP to THE WINDOW," customers were insistent on not doing so. At one point they were making it EVEN harder because they would then pull to the front door. I was running in and out and in and out so much that I am surprised I did not drop or spill anything. If I was able to get ONE customer to pull to the window they would all follow suit. However, if one customer stayed on the concrete, they ALL stayed on the concrete.

Why they insisted on NOT listening to my clear and precise instructions is beyond me.

Along with running in and out I was attempting to finish dishes because there was no one there to do those either.

When we closed it took me two hours to wash the dishes that I was unable to get to.

For minimum wage I think I work way too damn hard.

It is not worth it.

Someone please hire me!

I always have something to say. There is always something on my mind. Yet, here I am, typing into this white box and I do not know what to type.

I am uninspired to type but feel the need to at least type something. It is Summer time and I am soaking it up as much as possible. The weather has been beautiful lately but of course I will not take it for granted. After all, I do live in Michigan where our weather system reminds me of a lady on PMS.

I honestly believe in MOTHER nature. Other states may have a Father nature but Michigan definitely has mother. We catch all her mood swings. Sometimes she is out of control. Sometimes, and this is rare, we will get a whole week of nice weather. Of course this is nothing that I get used to because I know that with every second of nice, blue skies, there is a gray cloud lurking behind it waiting to come out.

It is like na na na boo boo you have to deal with me!

Music is life.

It is 3 am and instead of sleeping like a normal human being I am on here typing away. I find it hard to sleep at what is considered a normal time lately. I am becoming more and more of a night owl, only to realize that there is no one to talk to at 3 am. My room is quiet because I am too lazy to walk to the other side to turn on the televison. If I can not sleep, why not sign in and write about not being able to sleep?

In other news, my sister, cousin and I went to see New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys (or as they call themselves NKOTBSB) the other night. They collaberated and were in concert together. Let me tell you, I felt like I was 12 years old again. The minute I saw Brian Litrell on stage performing I immediately fell back in love with him. Who can blame me? He is just so cute! I have to admit I have not been as faithful of a fan as I could or should be. I have been slacking. I did not know that AJ made a song. I figure this is a good thing though because the music video for it was just insane. We came to the conclusion that it was made just before he went into rehab. I did not know Nick was still doing a solo career. I have to admit, though he is not my favorite, I would definitely purchase his C.D. I did not know that Howie attempted to go solo. Of course it was only an attempt because, in my opinion, he is not a very strong performer. He sings well in the group but does not do well by himself.

Okay I went off on a little rant there. I was thinking earlier that it is nice to revisit memories that you made in your childhood. It is comforting for me to listen to my old boy band albums because I have many good memories attatched to them. I can sing almost every song. I confess as soon as an old Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, or Hanson songs comes across my IPOD I cannot help but sing at the top of my lungs. There are a few songs that I will even dance to partially. "Bye Bye Bye" comes to mind when I say this. It is impossible to listen to this song without waving bye bye bye when the chorus comes around.

I have always said that a girl's first true love is that of her favorite boy band. Okay, I know not every girl was a teeney bopper. Not every girl even liked boy bands. There were a few that managed to beat that phase. In their case their first true love is probably in whatever band they were crazy about growing up. Or maybe they just genuinely liked the music to an extent where they did not need eye candy.

I genuinely appreciate music. Everyone has a favorite song. Everyone has a favorite artist. Everyone has that go to song you put on when you are feeling down. Can you imagine a world without music? I think it would be so dull and so boring. I love relating how I am feeling to the words I hear in popular songs. There is a song for every possible feeling in the world.

Love cont.

I apologize for my blog yesterday. I had a really good post planned on in my head. However when I begin to think of my grandpa it still gets to me. He was the best grandpa in the world. He loved all his grandkids, even if he was tougher on the boys than he was on the girls.

As far as what love is, the Bible defines it the best. "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. " 1 Corinthians 13 This is the shortened version. I encourage anyone to look it up if they have questions on what love is.

I measure all of my relationships to this standard. If there is any part of the relationshop that does not match up I know it is not going to work. This verse is beautiful.

I found at a very young age that the Bible is a good book to live by. There is a lot of beautiful writings in that book. I have yet to discover half of the wonders of the Bible.

I feel as though I should be able to navigate the Bible easier than I can. It is a book that I have read through all my life.

This one book is my foundation. It is a book that will never expire. It is a book that is constantly being researched. New things are constantly discovered about Jesus.
I have a cousin who insists that the Bible should be placed in the fiction section of a book store/library. She insisted that there is no proof that the events in the Bible ever occured. Friends of mine attacked her. There has been proof that Jesus walked the Earth. There is geological proof of where he lived being that the places are still around today.

I am sorry I got off of track.

To sum up my feelings in love I rely on the Bible to define it for me. The most solid foundation of a relationship is a relationship based around Christ. To base a relationship on 1 Corinthians 13 makes for a solid relationship. It is a relationship that will last.

I have never based my relationships around sex. I will get to know someone well enough to trust them before I will even begin to think about taking that step.

Sex is very important to me. I do not take it lightly. I admit I enjoy that special connection with someone but it has to be someone that is special to me. To me, sex is someone that two people who care about each other care.

I do not expect everyone to agree with me. I do not expect everyone to follow the same guidelines I do when it comes to defining love. However I do expect the person I am in a relationship to understand where I am coming from. I expect him to always be on the same page with me. I expect us to be in sync with each others feelings.

Love.

This is going to sound like a complete cliche but love is a funny thing. It is something that no one understands and everyone yearns to have. My parents have been married for over thirty years and I bet even they would not be able to put love into concrete terms.

How do you know when you are in love? Is it that feeling of butterflies in your stomach every time you know you are going to see that special someone? Does every love song remind you of a certain someone? Does that person make you smile just by walking into the room?

It is such a complicated thing. There are so many answers to such a simple question. People answer it in so many different ways. It seems as though there is not one concrete definition. Sure there is the dictionary definition of "love." I am an English nerd though. The dictionary is not always enough. I admit it is one of my favorite resources and I refer to it constantly. I need to apply what I read to the real world and it seems damn near impossible somedays.

I see how Hollywood portrays love and, in my mind, it is completely unrealistic. People do not fall in love over a few months and decide they want to get married and spend the rest of their lives together. It does not happen. If it does I am willing to bet my life that they get divorced soon after because they rushed into a marriage with a stranger. Call me cynical if you want but that would be a lie. I am a hopeless romantic trying to seek the truth to an almost foreign concept.

I have been in love before. Well, at the time I thought I was in love. I do believe that it is true that you will always care for your first love. Despite the hell that he put me through, Jeff was my first love. I know he is not a very good person. Yet I still want the best for him. I always pray that he gets his shit together and that his life will turn out okay. He is a very smart guy who wasted his intelligence on beating the system.

I love my family with all of my heart. I will always say that because it will always be true. They are always there for me. I can always turn to them when I need advice. I always have a shoulder to cry on. I always have someone to go shopping with because I need to relax before I stress out. I almost always have a home cooked meal waiting for me when I come home.

I do not tell them often enough how much I love them. Sure I say it sometimes. I am bad at showing emotion. I do not use the Love word a lot with anyone. It sounds funny to me. It sounds weird coming out of my mouth. It is as though I am emotionally detatched. I blame my father. This is the man who shows pratically no emotion. When he does it means a lot. Sure, now I get sappy.

The first time I saw him cry was at my grandpa's funeral. My grandpa was my mom's dad. To make a long story short my grandpa was more of a father than my dad's dad ever was. To see him cry, along with my grown cousins and uncles, really got to me. Seeing a grown man cry is never easy. Especially when you know they are genuine feelings and it is not a man just being a sap.

Well I have to stop this now because now I am crying thinking about it.
Good night all.

I am a nerd...

And so what? I am proud of it.

I love writing papers. I love researching. I love composing something so wonderful and receiving a good mark on it. I do not put a lot of effort into the papers that I write. I can have a normal paper written in a days time. I am not trying to brag. I am just stating the facts.

I love proofreading. I love reading what other people have to say. This helps me to see something through a different set of eyes. Everyone has an opinion and I love sharing mine with others. I love hearing others opinions of how the world works.

I cannot be closed minded. I will listen to what anyone has to say. I will read any paper that is sent my way. I am critical when I read someone else's work. I will nit pick anything and everything. I try not to be a snob but it is hard. I want to be as critical of other's essays as they would be of mine.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I struggle sometimes with essays if I get really stuck. I have turned in essays that I thought were worthy of a C at the highest and managed to score an A-. I am not bragging. Once again I am just stating the facts.

I am always looking up information online. If I do not know something I cannot rest until I do. I am constantly learning. People are constantly giving me new information to add into my head. I am like a sponge and soak up any knowledge that comes my way. Learning never gets boring for me. It is when I feel as though I have learned everything that I get restless.

This is where work comes into play. It is not fun anymore. I am at the point in my fast food life style that I have soaked up as much information as I can. I know as much as I can about Wendy's as I can without becoming a manager.

Call me a nerd. Call me a dork.

I am witty. I am intelligent. You may think I am a snob. You may think I am conceited. At times you may think I am all holier than now. I am just confident. I know what I am good at and take pride in my works. I take pride in everything I write. I take pride in learning new information. I take pride in debating. I take pride in forming valid opinions. I will admit if I do not know something. However, if I do not know it, you better bet I am going to be looking up the information online as soon as I get on my computer next.

Why?

That is just the kind of girl I am.
Take me or leave me.

Hate.

Whoa! My last post was number 100. If I had realized such I would have attempted to make it more memorable.

Hate. This is such a strong word, yet, it is thrown around so often. It is tossed around back and forth. This is possibly one of the strongest words in the American language. To hate someone or something takes way too much energy. Why waste time hating someone when you can be civil?

There is ONE person I can say that I honestly hate. ONE person who it is not worth ever trying to like again. This is someone that I do not waste energy on because I know I will never see him again in my life. If I do see him again I think I would either want to punch him in the face or throw up. That is my ex, Jeff. I have forgiven him in my heart for all that he put me through. I pray for him on a weekly basis. Yes, I pray for my enemies. Is that so bad? Yes I hate this one person in the world but can you blame me? He put me through HELL!!! I know that relationships are two way streets and they take two people to fail. This is USUALLY the case. My fault in my relationship with Jeff was I spent too much time trying to get him to confess.

I hate some things. I hate some foods. I cannot help it, I am a picky eater. I am not sure if saying I hate Wendy's or I hate pork chops is the same thing. Does it have the same effect? Does it mean the same thing to say I hate working all weekend as it does to say I hate a person? Does it have the same effect? Work does stress me out. It stresses me out a lot. Working all weekend really gets to me. I guess it does. It does take energy. It does have a negative effect on my spirit. It also closes my periferal (sorry if that is spelt wrong) vision to the world. It causes me closed minded. I recently became a lot more open minded about the foods that I eat. I came to the realization that there are a lot of foods that I always said I hated but never really tried. I would say I hated them when I was younger because they did not look appetizing. I also did not realize how intense that one word is.

Let me plan something for you.

It is gorgeous out! The skies are perfect. The temperature is perfect. Overall I would conclude that today's weather is perfect! I want to just be outside all day riding my bike all over metro Detroit.

But I can't. It is laundry day. I can go out for an hour at a time but I have to make sure that I get home in time to switch a load around. I also went to spend the day reading. I want to get sucked up into the world of Harry Potter and his crazy adventures at Hogwarts.

I could read those books over and over and over and never get sick of them. I always discover something new that I did not catch onto before. I do not know why but...

**Thought break in order to take an important phone call.**

I should be a party or event planner. I could do it. I am very organized even if my mind is quite spastic. I am able to get track of dates, call place after place to make reservations, send of invitations and all of that good stuff. I could be a wedding planner. It would take ease off of the bride and I would take the stress for her.

There are so many different careers that I would be terrific at. There are so many paths that I could follow.

Ultimately the one I choose to follow has two careers. When all is said and done I want to be able to work for myself. This is why, when I finally get a job in teaching, I am going to continue going to school. I am going to take some business classes and I am going to take some culinary classes. I want to open a bakery. I love baking too much to give it up and not make money from it. I could be amazing at it. I know I could.

I am going to open a local bakery that I allow my students to work in. I am going to have to have a manager who is trained in working with people of special needs. They will be allowed to work there for three years or so. They will be required to take a one year class so they know the basics before they are allowed to work.

This plan will give them experience that they need. It will also open up more job opportunities for people who may not have been given a chance to work in a harsh world. It will put more money in the economy because more people will be working.

I am going to have a regular staff of people that will have to be compassionate and understanding. They are going to have to understad that there will be people of special needs coming in and working for up to three years or so.

Of course the specifics are not all put in place. I am thinking it is going to be a branch of a school district but it will essentially be its own. I have time to figure out the logistics but I think this is one of my best ideas. I cannot stop thinking about it. This is all I think about these days and I honestly believe that God put this idea in my head.

He thought that if anyone needed something more to plan it was me.

I am a good planner. I am a good organizer.

Smart Phones

I admit. I have one. I also admit that I rely on it too much. It does everything for me. I check my social networking site. I keep an eye on emails. I track my hours at work. I watch the calories in every food that I eat. It is not neccesarily a good thing.

When my phone breaks I do not know what to do with myself. I only have a few phone numbers memorized. I do not need to know them when I can easily store them in my phone with the push of a few buttons. I do not dial and numbers. With a press of a few buttons I can pull up any number that I need.

There are phone numbers in there that I never asked for. My phone is linked up with the popular social networking site. Anyone who left their numbers for public knowledge gave permission for me to have their number for any particular reason.

What did we do before computers? How did I get in touch with people before text messaging? I rarely call people. I do not like calling people. I keep conversations as short as possible when I need to make a call. My friends laugh when I will call, ask a question and then hang up without a good bye. It is not to be rude. It may come off as rude. However I say what I need to say then move on with my day.

I do not leave voicemails, with the exception for my mom and dad. I hate checking voicemail. This probably sounds lazy but it is too much work. A lot of my friends will send a text message right after they call if I do not answer. I do the same thing. It is easier. It is less work to say what needs to be said. Also, I am not sure about other phone companies, but checking voicemail messages actually costs minutes. While it should be free to retrieve a message that is left on my phone it isn't.

With this being said technology is making us lazy. We do not even have to go to the store to rent movies. It can be done with the click of a mouse or even with a few pushes on the buttons of the remote. Ordering pizza is the same way. We do not even have to leave our houses to order. We do not have to pick up the phone. A lot of places allow for pizza to be ordered over the internet. It is crazy!

Technology is good. Scientists have come a long way with the latest technologies. There is always something new coming out. It is hard to keep up. My laptop is only four years old but is already considered ancient. It has been ancient for two years now. I cannot keep up with that latest fads but I can always try.

It is not good though. A lot of Americans are obese or overweight. We wonder why. How could it be that we have all gained so much weight! It could not possibly have anything to do with how easy it is to sit home and order three extra large pizzas with extra cheese and movies to last all night. The most exercise some people do is walking from the chair into the bathroom.

Rent

The tale is not exactly something I am able to relate to. I have never lived in New York. I have never done drugs. I have never had a AIDS or any STDs. I have never been poor to the point of being evicted.

However it is one of my favorite movies of all time. It gives me hope. First of all it shows that no matter how life can be, it can always get worse. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It shows that the really bad days make the good days that much better.

I cherish every good day that I have. Everyone has a bad day now and then. It is life. With every death we have to suffer, we get that much stronger.

The main theme of Rent is "No day but today." Live life in the present. Do not dwell on the past or stress about the future. Live life as it comes. This seems to be a good philosophy to live by. I try to live by it but of course it does not always work. I always want to think ahead of time in order to make sure my life is on the right track.

I try not to dwell on the past. What good is it? I write about my past to reflect. I am a much stronger person now that I was in high school. I am much more confident in myself and it shows. I may be shy when I am surrounded by unfamiliar people. I assess every new group to determine how I am going to fit in.

I adapt to my surroundings. I am sort of a social chameleon. I have the ability to relate to pratically any group of people. This may sound like I am bragging. It may even seem as though I am stretching the truth. This is not the case.

I would be able to adapt to the life of the people in the movie Rent. I envy them. They moved to New York with dreams and desires. They live their lives in the moment and do not worry about the future. There is no day but today. Their lives are tough. They suffer and do not have time for food all the time. In order to keep warm, one of the apartments has a garbage can that is used as a faux fire.

This is a world that I have never experienced. It is a world that I dream about visiting and adapting to. Yes, I dream of adapting to living in a life of limited food, heat, etc. It would make me even more appreciative of how fortunate I am to know that I always have a home and bed to return to after a long day.

Godmothers

I have had two in my life. My Aunt Denni was the godmother who stood by my side as my parents baptized me into the church. Next to her stood Uncle Tim who I guess would be my Godfather. I am not sure if it really works that way but I think it does. How cool of a title is that?

When I was about four years old Aunt Denni passed away from breast cancer. The technology and medicine we have now is so much far advanced than what we had back then. I do not remember her very well because I was very little when she passed. I know she was a bigger lady. She always had a smile on her face, even when she was in her wheelchair because she was going through chemo therapy.

My Uncle Tim remarried a few years later so technically he is not my Uncle anymore. He is only by marriage. Although because he is my cousin Sandy's dad I will probably always call him Uncle. It only makes sense, you know? There was a lot of drama involving the lady he remarried. Unfortunately, growing up, we were unable to see Sandy as much as I would have liked.

Now that we are older I realize how much Sandy and I have in common. It makes me happy. We always have a good time when we see each other. While I do not know her as well as I should I like to think I know her pretty well. We have a lot of similar interests and think very similarily. Crazy right?

Now to my second Godmother. She is the one who gave me this topic. She is my Aunt Bobbi. She is a very nice woman who will do anything for anyone. I love having her in my life. She battled with breast cancer a few years ago and came out a survivor. That is partly because of all the new medicine and what now.

I have an amazing family and would not want to replace them ever! We are loud, obnoxious at times, but we have fun. We are there for each other when someone is down. We watch each others backs. We praise each other. Even if someone is in a rough spot we are there for them. There is drama, like in any other family but we get through it.

The time I spend with my aunts and grandma and cousins are the best times I have. We do not need to go anywhere or do anything. We talk, laugh, faurt, burp, etc. We are comfortable around each other because we love each other. Everyone needs to have a family as loving as the one that I have. Whether it is family that you pick due to unfortunate circumstances or the family that you are born into, everyone deserves to have a place to call home. A place where you know your family will be when you need them!

Turmoil

For those of you who do not know, I told my friends and family on a popular social networking site to give me a word and I would blog about it for ten minutes.

The first word I was given was turmoil. This is a challenging one. It is a word that I do not use often. In fact I do not use it at all. I have heard the word many times on television and what not. I looked it up in the dictionary but of course it is not copying and pasting now. I remember the word aggravation being a synonym but from what I read it was a weak synonym. This is a word that I have not had to face. I have had an easy life. It has been stressful at time. People have not always been the nicest to me. I have not always had luck when it comes to finding a job that does not depress me. I have been going to school my whole life and I still have four years until I obtain my bachelors. Then of course I have culinary school and business school so I can accomplish all of my goals. My ultimate goal? To work for myself.

As easy as my life as been it has not been perfect. I make friends too easily. It hurts me in the end. I think I am too nice because it always gets me in the end. It is my never ending urge for everyone to like me.

I am not sure how to use the word turmoil in a proper sentence. I have been trying to since I started writing this five minutes ago and have still failed. I have a general idea of what the word means but am failing to use it properly. It is a tough word for me. I guess that is because I never use it. Ever.

I see people in other countries suffering. I see poverty and children working for dollars a day. It saddens me. I appreciate how lucky I am yet I complain. Welcome to America. Now matter how lucky we are, there is always something to complain about. We are obese yet fail to do anything about it. We are not all fat. There are some people who actually take care of their bodys. I need to be motivated to be one of those people.

I am making the decision from this point forward that I am going to be a hell of a lot more cautious about every thing I take into my body. I am going to be exercising almost every day. I am not happy with my body and am going to work at it until I am. I am serious from this point on. I cannot make someone else happy if I am not happy with myself.

Friendships are not supposed to be work!

Friendship. It seems like a simple concept. You find someone that you get along with and you have a good time. It should not be hard work to maintain a friendship. Sure you spend time with each other and enjoy each others company. Of course I will do anything in my power to help my friends. I have the best friends in the world and I cannot say that enough to make it more true.

I am done with drama. My group of friends just have fun and we all get along. Okay so sometimes someone may get offended. Spending too much time together allows for that. It cannot be all hunky dory all of the time. That is life, you know?

In the same sense we all get along and have a good time. We laugh. We communicate. We are there for each other when needed.

In short I do not do well with high maintenance. (I am sorry if that is spelt wrong. That is one word I always have a hard time with.) If anyone upsets me, I get rid of them. They are deleted in a sense. I may still have to see the person if we are with mutual friends but I am not going set specific time to the side just for said person.

Okay I guess I am rambling.

Relationships are work. Being with one person. Loving someone. That is work. It is hard being involved with someone and caring for someone. It is supposed to be that way. If it was easy, being in love would just not be much fun.

Friendships are not supposed to be work. I choose who my friends are. I choose who I spend my free time with. I enjoy every spare minute that life gives me. Lately, my best friend is myself. I spend more time alone than I do with company. After working five days a week I like to be alone. I also feel as though I am out of the loop because I do not see my gang as often as I would like. I do not know what is going on with anyone. Everyone knows what is going on with me curteosy of facebook and this here blog.

Well that is all my ranting for now. I will talk to you later!

gr.

My head is cloudy. Why can I not figure out this whole successful relationship thing? It seems like I always do it wrong. It know that it is hard. I know that it takes a lot of work. I feel like I keep failing and I do not understand why. I have had successful relationships in the past. Of course eventually they failed because it was not working out anymore.
This boy is really making me go crazy.
I really like him. I am not even kidding.
It annoys me when people do not respond to my text messages or ignore my calls.
I do not want to play games.
I need a genuine nice guy. He does not have to be someone who wants to be with me 24/7 at this point. Simply replying to messages or answering my calls or even texting me just because he is thinking of me would suffice.
I do not want to feel like I am an annoyance. I hate being ignored.
I do not know what to think anymore.

Yes I have guy friends. No I do not have a crush on all of them.

It is funny how you can go to school with someone all your life and not know them at all. You can grow up just down the street from each other and still only know each other by name. Life is crazy. I know people who live in other states better than I know people that I went to school with all through grade school. People that I went to school with from the age of 6 until 18 come in work occasionally. Sure I get embarrassed that I work in fast food. It is a job filled with a lot of humility. However what they don't know is that I am going to school. I am working there so I have money to better live my life. I am going to be an amazing teacher someday but until then I have to be the best fast food employee that I can be. It is not ideal. The lack of weekends is definitely taking its toll.
You can only imagine my shock when a guy I crushed on in high school came through drive through and paid a very nice compliment. As you know from a few weeks ago we were talking and having pretty decent conversations. He fell off the face of the Earth for a few weeks and I was a little bummed. I felt as though he was ignoring me for a reason that I could not comprehend.
This brings me to last night. I invited him over to watch the Red Wings game (which we won by the way, TAKE THAT SHARKS!) He attempted to come over but he had stuff to get done around his house and was unable to. It does not end here though. He drove over because he wanted to see me (for a reason that I did not understand at the time) but was only able to stay for a half hour. In that half hour we sat on the swing in my back yard, walked the distance of my backyard (should I mention I have a pretty decent size backyard?) and just talked. We visited and had a decent little time. Before he left we chatted for a few minutes by his car. He admitted that he was delaying putting off leaving. We hugged five times. I know this because he was counting which I thought was kind of cute.
I got into the house and received a text message saying that he could not even leave without messaging me. I found out last night, before I went to bed, that he had a little crush on me in high school as well. Weird right? Mind you he only went to my school for the first two years. Of course we only talked online in school because I did not have a chance to talk to him. I was not very confident in myself during grade school. I think I made so many guy friends because they always saw me as a friend. I am okay with that. I love having guy friends.
It comes with a disadvantage though. Girls see me talking to one of my friends and they assume that I like them. They assume that I want a relationship with every guy I talk to. This is not the truth. For me guys are easier to talk to than girls are. I know they are not judging me but when I talk to girls I feel like they are. Maybe this is because I am judging myself and somehow projecting it onto them. I read somewhere about something like this happening. It was probably in my psychology class. I have a few really close girl friends that I feel comfortable talking to. That is all I have to say for now. I will talk to you all later!

Keep me around, you will not regret it.

As my luck goes I attempted to post a blog from my phone earlier because my internet was down. I thought I posted it but it is no where to be find in cyberland. Weird right? I vaguely remember what I wrote about. I am going to try this again.
This is a fair warning: This blog is going to make me seem very conceited. I am okay with that, I hope you all are.
I am a good person to have around in anyone's life. This is why:
1. I am very loyal to my friends and family. I will do anything for them. I have done just about everything for them.
2. I like surprising people. I like for people that I care about to know that I am thinking about them at random times of the day. This includes leaving ridicously (sorry if that is spelt wrong) long voicemails.
3. I love birthdays. I love the idea of being able to have that one day that is all about you. I make a big deal out of EVERYONE'S birthday. I will make cupcakes for people I work with. I will buy cards and presents. I will spend as much money as I can on a person just because it is their special day. If I have a good birthday why shouldn't everyone else? It really bums me out when people say their birthday is not all that great.
4. I am genuinly nice. I am not fake. I am nice to everyone I see. This is partly because you never know if I am going to see the person again. One customer could be my key to success in life. Does that make sense?
5. I am passionate about education. I love obtaining knowledge. If anyone wants to share any random piece of information with me I will listen. I am a nerd but I embrace it.
6. I am a good listener. I may not give the best advice but I will listen anytime someone needs to talk.
7. Last but not least I am fun. I am spontaneous. I will try anything once. I love having a good time. I love being around my family and close friends.

Over all the small moments in life can either make or break my day. I can have a terrible day and one simple text message will make my day do a 180. On the opposite spectrum I can have the best day in the world but one thing going wrong will ruin it. I am a simple girl. I live life to the fullest. I find pleasure in all the smallest things that I come in contact with.
Good night all.

My mind is a jukebox.

My head is like my own person jukebox. I have 672 songs on my IPOD but I have about a million songs in my head.
There are so many days when I will hear just a single word and a song will pop in my head. Then, as I am so lucky, the song will be stuck in my head like an unwanted visitor coming to visit then staying for a few months and not leaving. I do not mind. It is nice to always have something to listen to. I enjoy having a jukebox in my head that plays on random 24/7.
The other day at work I was thinking of the song "High Hopes" by Frank Sinatra. I have no idea where the song came from but I could not help but sing along. No one at work knew the song I was thinking of and they looked at me like I was crazy. It is such an old song. I was not surprised at all they had not heard of it.
The two managers I was working with are my age and I guess do not listen to older music. They do not have as much of an appreciation for it as I do. I am not saying this to sound rude. It is simply the truth. They enjoy music but are blinded by music produced in their lifetime. If they are familiar with old songs it is the classics that everyone knows.
I was driving along the other day jamming to "Coronation March" from Star Wars. I felt empowered. I felt like my life should have been a movie at that point. Well this was quite random. All I wanted to do was to get my brain juices going so I am able to complete my essay that is due in two days.

The Royal Wedding

I went bacj and forth on what to write about today but I decided to tune into current events. We all heard about it on the news. I heard that 2 billion people tuned into it! How many people are there even living on the planet? Let me Google that. I look everything up on Google. Who needs encyclopedias and books when all the information you need in the world is on a fantastic site such as Google? (There is sarcasm involved because I love books and I HATE Ebooks but that is a rant for another post at a later date.) Of course I cannot gurantee any validity in any sources on Google but as of 2006 (According to answerbag.com) 6.8 billion people were living on earth. So if 2 billion were watching the wedding that is about 1/3 of the entire population of the world! That is insane. I was sleeping. I do not know about you.

To be honest I am a little upset that Prince William is off the market. I wanted to marry him. Kate sucks. I hate her. :) My new plan is to move to England ASAP. I need to break up Prince Harry and his girlfriend so that I can marry him. Okay okay we all know it will never happen but a girl can dream.

I want to be a princess. I have watched way too many Disney movies not to want to be a princess. Not to mention all of the cheesey romance movies I have watched in my day that (as predictable as they are) are addicting. I think that is the hopeless romantic in me coming out. Every relationship that I get into I try to turn it into marriage down the line. I am not getting any younger here. I am ready to find someone, who in a few years, wants to settle down and have a family. If I cannot be a true princess, I want someone who will treat me like I am. My mom and dad have been married for almost 31 years. They are still happy. Of course they fight from time to time but if they didn't you would know it was not a good marriage. Being in a relationship is not easy. It takes a lot of work.

In the fall I will be going to school full time and working part time. If I find someone worth it, I will date. It will have to be someone that I do not see a lot but the free time I do have would be spent with said male.

I do not want you all to think that I am completley bitter about William and Kate getting married. I wish them all the best luck in the world. I hope they are happy together. Now to off to find MY prince.
Later gators~

Coloring will never be overrated.

Coloring is amazing. You can make whatever you want with whatever color you want! You can be free and let your imagination go wild. It does not matter if Belle's dress is pink when it is actually golden yellow. If you want her to wear a pink dress then so be it. Color how ever you want because there are not many opportunites as an adult where you can do whatever you want and however you want to do it. You have to go to school (unless you want to work in a low income job). You have to work unless you have another way to pay the bills. You have to take care of whatever responsibilites you bring into the world. If you have children you may not always be able to go out and have fun. If you have a pet their needs come first as well. It is nice to have an escape from the adult world. It may sound immature but I am okay with it. I am very responsible. I go to school. I work. I take care of my business. If someone or something tries to take me down I keep my head up and keep on moving. If a guy breaks my heart, I grief for a moment then move on with my life. I am not getting any younger here. I do not have time to mourn over a failed relationship. I just keep on moving. Of course I get sad from time to time but I get over it. I am strong. If I was not able to color out of the lines sometimes what would I have to look forward to? Someone has to be the one to think outside the box. The world needs some innovative souls that are not afraid to be different. We make it an interesting place to be. I cannot be a cookie cutter of a girl. I cannot live in what I call the "Lakeside houses." These are houses that are all built the same one after another in a kind of ritzy neighborhood. They are nice, don't get me wrong, but I prefer a house that is unique to my taste. In all honesty I would love to build a house of my own so that I know it has all the requirements that I need in a house. Then again all I require is a big kitchen, a library, a sun room, a bathroom with a working bath (you have no idea how much you miss them when you do not have one), and a BIG bedroom with a walk in closet. Of course the basics would be there but those rooms are what I would be focusing on. Okay now I am going into dream land but whatevs. My point is without going into my own land of imagination and creativity I am not the me that everyone knows and loves. I am innovative. I am creative. I have a crazy imagination that never sleeps. I overthink. I overanalyze. But they all love me!
Good night.

Admit it: Flirting is fun.

There was this guy in high school that I had a small crush on. I did not know him very well because he only went to my school for one or two years. He then transferred over to a school in a neighboring city. I would talk to him here or there over the computer but it was never anything major. To make the long story short we have reconnected. He came through my drive thru at work a few weeks ago and we started talking. I added him on facebook and we have been talking a lot through text messaging since then. I have to admit I love flirting. I think sometimes I flirt too much? If I do I am over it. Flirting is fun. It makes me feel good about myself especially when the flirting is reciprocated. This guy is very sweet and I truly enjoy talking to him. We seem to want the same things out of life. We are both going to school to better our lives. We are both working and (unfortunately) both living with our parents. We are both people pleasers which may be a good or bad thing we will see. Disadvantage: He is not Christian. This may or may not be a deal breaker. Only time can tell. Well I need to get to working on my paper. I have a page (ish) left to write. Oh the joys of being an over achiever and completing a paper over a week before it is due.

Oh motivation, where did you go?

Motivation. Obesession. I wish the two would meet. I am obsessing about this paper that I am writing on The Great Gatsby. I am writing about the American Dream and how Gatsby interprets it. I have seven books to read and study harder until I can fully commit to this paper. It is tough but I am determined to bust it out in the next two days. My intention is to be able to have my teacher proofread it sometime next week so I am able to get a good grade on it. I am obsessing. I obsess over every paper that I write. If I did not obsess I would not have papers turn out as well as they do. I love writing papers. More than that I love writing amazing papers and receiving good grades on them. Yet I am having trouble finding motivation and inspiration. I think the warm weather is getting to me as it always does. Stupid nice weather. I also think that I am so anxious to be out of Macomb. I am eager to start at Wayne State and obtain my bachelors. It has taken me a long time to get to this point but that is because I am very indecisive. Mark my word, I am going to focus completely on this stupid paper the next few days.

It is Easter. A few days ago was Good Friday. It makes me smile inside when the weather follows along with these two days as it I see it in my head. I see Good Friday as rainy and gloomy. This (as you all know I am sure) was the day that Jesus died on the cross to forgive our sins. If it were a movie of course there would be rain and eerie, slow music that gives you the shivers. Easter was the day that Jesus rises from the dead and ascends into Heaven. Naturally in my head I see Easter as nice weather. It is the weather that allowed me to go outside and draw with chalk on the patio with my nephew. He even stayed laying on the ground long enough for me to trace him almost completely. Our patio looked a little bit like a crime scene. He even drew blood coming from the body. Then again I do not think that was intentional being that he is not even two yet. My mom joked that we needed detectives from The First 48 to come.

I get these preset notions in my head about how the weather should be during certain days of the year. I prefer blue skies and 60 degree weather on April 8th because that is my birthday. In Michigan, 60 degrees is shorts and flip flop weather. You can almost bust out the tank tops at that point. I go shoeless as early as possible because our weather changes so rapidly. Being that I have a spring birthday, the weather is always unpredictable. We had snow just last week or the week before. People complained about it. You would think that, living in Michigan, people would be used to it by now right? Even if they are they never fail to complain about snow.

On Christmas I prefer snow. The idea of a white Christmas is ideal to me. I am not a huge fan of snow but on Christmas and on Christmas eve it is nice to look out and see the ground covered in snow. It does not matter if I get snowed in because these are days that I stay at home and relax with the family. As long as I have a nice cup of hot chocolate I am content. If it melts away the next day I have no complaints though I do like sledding. I have not gone in a long time but I always thought it was a good time. Maybe I should buy a new sled this year (since my dad threw ours out when we moved) and hit some hills.

Well, I am going to check on my favorite eagles in Decorah, Iowa now.
Good night all.
Happy Easter.
He is Risen!!!!!

on the prowl

The boyfriend and I broke up today. I guess that is what I get for dating someone younger. I will not be able to do it anymore. I want someone that sees marriage in his future. I need someone that wants kids someday. Mind you it is not going to be for another few years because I have school to take care of. I am not ready to marry the next guy that walks into my life. I want someone that has the same values as I do. Family is, and always will be, very important to me. I thought for a moment in time that I wanted to live in New York. That moment has passed. First of all there is way way WAY too much snow in New York. Second of all I am not sure I would be able to afford it on a teacher's salary. (I am definitely not studying to be a teacher for the money.) Third of all I would miss my family and friends terribly. There may be a point in my life when I have to move. It will suck. However, with Michigan's job market, I am not 100% sure I will be able to get a job here after graduation. *crosses fingers* Here's to hoping.

I got a little side tracked. Back to the boy. We are both focused on school. We both want to be successful in our chosen professions. When the fall semester begins I am not going to see any of my friends. I plan on taking four classes each semester in order to finish up. I am sick of going to school. I just want to be done. I want my big girl job. It is my turn for a nice, steady job. I have worked in fast food long enough. Once again thanks to the wonderful economy of Michigan jobs are few and far between. Thanks Kwame! It is slowly turning around. Slowly but surely more people are getting jobs and the unemployment rate is decreasing. I am beginning to FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I see my mom and dad happy. I see my sister and her fiance happy. I see my other sister and her husband happy. I feel alone in this big world. I know I have support from them and all of my close friends. I know that I am not alone. But I like being in a relationship. I like having that one person who I can turn to in a time of need. I like having someone to confide in. Sweet little messages that include the word babe or sweetheart, etc. make me smile. I know there is a guy out there for me. I know that I am not going to be alone my whole life. I just feel like I am done with looking. I want the guy that I am supposed to be with to come into my life soon. I am impatient. Something to work on I suppose.
Good night all!

sleepy I am

Sleeping I should be. Writing I am. Thinking I am. Non-stop. Thoughts running in circles through my head. So much to do in my life time. First I have to finish school. Work. School. Work. School. It is never ending. You have to have experience to get a job. You need a job to get experience. It is a vicious circle that never ends. GAH! I just need that one person to give me a chance. One company that thinks I am worth a shot so that I am able to get the experience I desire oh so much. Help me please. I cannot stand to work for the obesity society much longer. It is killing whatever brain cells I have left to spare. It is what it is I guess. Until I find something better I will continue to do what I do best: Make skinny people fat and fat people fatter. It is how we do in the fast food world.

Oh Gatsby please inspire me.

It is essay time. I have to write a 6-8 page paper and it is due in a few weeks. I have plently of time but I wanted to start working on it. Realistically speaking I am not going to finish it today. I am very stuck on it. I am surrounded by eight books (one of which is The Great Gatsby which I am writing about). We have to have at least three outside sources. I have seven. I think I will be fine but like I said I am stuck. Of course I want to to the best job I can do on this essay. What kind of English major would I be if I just half assed an essay that is worth so much of my grade? I admit I B.S. a lot of my papers. I can get away with it. I can B.S. a paper and still manage to pull a B+ or and A-. I prefer the later of the two. If I end up with anything lower than an A in this class I am not going to be happy. I did get an A on the midterm with no effort at all. I assume that I will also get an A on the final. I just turned in a paper on "One flew over the cuckoo's nest" on Friday and I am hoping for a good grade on that one as well. We will see. That was the last short paper that we have to write. The one I am writing now is the last paper that I have to write for the class. We only have three sessions left I believe? It is four weeks but we do not have class on Good Friday for obvious reasons. Until I get out of this block I am going to watch the Decorah Eagles. Have you seen them? It is simply amazing. I love watching them. It truly amuses me. ^_^

What is coming of our society?

We are becoming so lazy. People wonder why Americans are so overweight. How is it that a majority of our citizens are overweight when so many people belong to the gyms? There a numerous types of diets that people can follow. Weight Watchers, NutriSystem, Atkins, etc. Weight Watchers does work. I used it myself a few years back. I get bored after awhile with having to count points meal after meal, day after day, week after week, month after month. I need to though. I need to monitor every little thing that enters my body. I need to be conscience of everything I consume. It is a little annoying but it is my reality. Also, we barely have to get up to do anything. We can drive everywhere. Sometimes we do not even have to drive to do the things we need to get done. You can order pizza by simply powering up the computer and clicking the mouse a few times. It can be delivered so all you have to do is have the money ready and open the door for the delivery guy or girl. With technology progressing as fast as it is, we may not even have to do that much in a certain amount of years. Can you imagine pizza delivery guys being replaced with machines? It sounds a little bit off but it could happen. Remember that movie Wally? It is not one of my favorites because, for a cartoon, it got a little too political. However it makes a very good point. At the end of the movie you see bigger people sitting in these chairs and everything in their lives is handled by a remote control. As nice as it would be I am not looking forward to that day. I like going on walks. I like riding my bike. If I order pizza I am going to go pick it up. If (and yes it is a long shot) delivery guys and fast food workers are replaced by machines there go a lot of job opportunites out the window. I have worked in fast food for almost six years. I hate it. It is getting me through college though. It is a job and in this dwindling economy I cannot complain.

I am an ass.

I feel like such a failure when I let people down. My never ending need to please people hurts me. When I know I cannot please someone I get upset. If I know I let someone down I get angry with myself. It is tiring. I know I cannot please everyone but for some reason I still try. I cannot help but want everyone to like me. It is nagging to me if I think someone does not like me. It is a real annoying trait that I fight daily. My mom is upset with me right now. I know she will get over it but now I am upset. I locked my keys in my car and because my AAA card was IN the car I was not able to call them to unlock it for me. My mom, being the nice and amazing woman that she is, came up to the gym (where I locked myself out) and gave me a key. When I got home I thanked her and she said that I was better off not talking to her. I feel like such an ass. I cannot stand when she especially is mad at me. She is supposed to take me shopping for my birthday tomorrow and I almost feel like now that I do not deserve it. This sucks.

Education...Fail.

Education. Not exactly a smart career choice. But, I feel it in my heart that it is the career choice that is right for me. I may be conceited (and I do not care) but I am going to be an amazing teacher someday. I love kids. I love being around them. I can learn as much from them as they can learn from me. I cannot wait to be in a classroom teaching. I have a long road ahead of me until I am at that stage. I have four years at the University before I can be in a classroom. I did some job shadowing a few weeks ago and am geeked about being able to do this. It is my passion. It is my future. I tried to fight it but God made sure I knew that that was what he put me on this planet for. Teaching is why I am alive. I was born to teach. The boy was put on this Earth to be an engineer. He told me one day that I look like a teacher. I laughed a little. I was not sure how to take that. What does a teacher look like? Certainly I do not wear ugly sweaters with big brimmed glasses. I have yet to put a finger on what a teacher looks like. If you know, please inform me. So why is it not a smart move? Look around. Read the news. They are trying to rid of unions in Wisconsin. If this happens, it is only time before the unions diminish in Michigan. Teachers need unions. Without unions there is no job stability. Also, the expectations put on teachers is way to high. They are expected to be mentors, educators, and babysitters all rolled up into one. There was a situation in my mom's school where a student was not getting along with a teacher. When there was a meeting with the principal, the mother got mad and stormed out of the building. There were obscenities involved and she swore that the student would not be returning. I am not sure but I do not think the student has returned. I could be wrong. It is crazy right? I am probably biased but for all teachers have to go through they are highly under paid. They get as much schooling as lawyers. I am not even kidding. In Michigan they need so many credits towards their masters. By the time the need is satisfied it is stupid to not finish because they are that close to being done with it. *sigh* Oh this life as an educator is going to be an interesting one.

Now hiring: One best friend. Requirements: Homosexual, Male

Anthony Rapp never ceases to amaze me. I tell you if he was not gay I would hunt him down so fast. Oh, who am I kidding? I want to hunt him down anyway. I am on a mission to make him straight. Okay I know it will not work but a girl can dream can't she? Can't I have my own little version of Brokeback Mountain? I admit that movie is terrible. But how terrible would it be to be married to a gay guy? Think about it. I do not think it is as crazy as it seems. You would have someone to help raise a child, (can be adopted for sanity purposes) clean, cook, decorate, you can watch ooey gooey romance movies together. You can check out guys together. At the end of the day I would still be able to go out and meet guys. I hear there are guys that are into the married woman thing. He would be able to go off and meet guys. It would all be good. Okay this makes me sound sick. Come to think of it I guess it is not as good of an idea as I thought originally. I am perfectly okay with having a gay best friend. I have never had one. They are the perfect friend for a girl for all of the reasons noted above. (Minus the marriage part) I am actively looking for a lost gay soul to take under my wing. You think I am kidding but I am far from. I found a nerd who I adore (and maybe love someday). Now I need a gay best friend. Preferably male because female gays freak me out a little if they get to close. Is that weird? I know they are not always hitting on me but it would weird me out. I am sure I sound like sort of a psychopath but I'm over it. Hey readers (who do not know me in real life) any idea what sign I am?

Girls love chick flicks, but why?

One of my weaknesses (though I have many) is a good Disney Princess movie. I am a sucker for them. Actually, I am a sucker for any good cheesey feel good movie. They all have the same formula which makes them completely predictable: 1. Boy meets girl. 2. Boy and girl cannot stand each other (This seems to be a recent development into love stories) 3. Boy and girl spill guts or are in a life threatning situation, causing them to fall in love 4. Boy and girl fall in love (If it is not Disney there is usually sex involved. If it is Disney they just share a sweet kiss) 5. Boy or girl does something to upset the other one. 6. There is a big fight. 7. They realize they cannot live without each other. 8. They live happily ever after. Broken down like that it sounds truly nauseating. Life is never that easy. You do not REALLY fall in love with someone in the matter of a few days and then marry them. But, to the hopeless romantic that I am, it is all so sweet. I can only hope that one day I will fall in love with the guy and be married. I have no idea when or where it will happen. I have a good feeling about the guy I am with now but it is still new ish. We have only been officially dating since January. We were talking in November but you know how that goes. There is always a time in a relationship when you both know it is official. It is when you know you want to be together. Hollywood has a funny way of making love seem so easy. Psh. If only that were true. Thank you Hollywood and Disney for filling my mind with fantasies that may never happen but are nice to think about.