Disclaimer:
Some of this material is racy. I tried to write about things that happened in a classy manner. But, things happened that had to be written about. A lot of what is in here I never shared before. This is nerve wrecking for me to share but it has to be out. If only his current girlfriend would read this.
With the distance he gave me, I had time to move on. One day while studying for a class in between classes, I was approached by a very good looking man. He was taller than me. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. He had an athletic body. I could not help but stare. When he started talking to me I was speechless. How was I so lucky for such a good looking older man to talk to me? His name was Jeff and he worked in the library doing technical support. He was very smart. He had his own place. After seeing each other a few days in school, he invited me out to coffee. With a little hesitation I agreed. We exchanged phone numbers.
Over the course of a few weeks, Jeff and I would message back and forth. We agreed to meet up at a local coffee house when he got off work. I got there early as always. I ordered my drink and sat outside. I was so nervous that I could not stop sipping on my tea. I had my whole drink almost gone before he got there. As he approached I felt butterflies. He excused himself to order a drink. I smiled and promised I was not going anywhere. When he came back with his drink and sat down I was nervous. He eased me into conversation. We had a good conversation for two hours. When we departed for the day, I knew in my heart that I wanted to get to know him better. I would wait for him to message me to plan our next get together. Before the night ended my phone was already ringing. He expressed that he had a good time and would want to try again sometime down the line.
A week later, we finally made plans. I called him after class and he gave me turn by turn directions. When I drove up to his apartment complex, he was waiting outside to lead me the rest of the way. He was looking a good as I remembered him. His hair was covered by a baseball cap. As I approached him, I was reminded with how much taller he was than me. I also recalled that he was almost four years older than me. I was surprised that I made it out to his apartment without my car breaking down. It was a 1997 Neon. It was stop sign red. When we got inside, I sat down. I did not know how to act. This was new territory for me. For the first time I had complete privacy with a man. I did not have to worry about time limits. He sat down next to me on the couch. I took a deep breath. I smiled at him. He smiled at me. He suggested watching a movie. I agreed. When he offered something I drink, I politely decline. He turned on a movie and I sat still, watching it. My whole focus on the movie while not knowing how to react to this guy I had sitting next to me.
As the movie rolled I slowly moved closer to him. I watched his reaction out of the corner of my eyes in order to be discreet. I could see him smiling. Slowly moving my hand to his as our fingers intertwined, I looked at him and smiled quickly as I turned my focus back to the movie. Nerves overtook my body as the night continued. All we did the rest of the night was relax and hold hands. Yet, for some reason it felt perfect. The feeling of being wanted overtook me. While I was not with Terrence, I managed to find someone that would be able to get my mind off of him for a brief amount of time. The night concluded and Jeff walked me downstairs to my car. As we said our “good-byes” we hugged. It was a tight hug that felt so right. When we broke from the hug, he asked for permission to kiss me. Without hesitation, I granted it. It was that moment that our relationship slowly started to form.
Jeff and I talked every day. I drove out to his apartment complex a few times a week. On most of the nights that I went out there we followed the same routine. He would make me dinner. We would eat dinner. We would turn on a movie with the intention to watch it. We would make-out instead of watching the movie. I loved kissing him. He made me feel wanted and it was not a feeling that I was willing to give up. I did know that I had to keep my guard up. I was not going to let him hurt me like Terrence did.
There was one small technicality to our relationship. Because he was a few years older than me, Jeff had more experience than I did. Up until this point not only did I not have a serious relationship but I was also still a virgin. I planned on remaining a virgin until marriage. One night while we were making out we took it one step further. His touch over my body was so sensuous that I could not help but breathe deeply. This was a new feeling to me. I had never been touched like that before and I had to admit it felt pretty good. When I left for the night it was Jeff that I could not stop thinking about.
A few weeks of making out and exploring each other’s bodies and I was loving life. There was a small problem however. Jeff wanted more. He wanted it all. I knew in my heart that I wanted him in my life but I was not sure if I wanted to give myself to him. I prayed on it. I knew sex before marriage was a sin. I knew I had been working hard to remain a virgin until marriage. Why would I ruin it now when I had been doing so well?
In November things were starting to get serious. We had been hanging out for a few months and we were getting close. I headed out to his house one night after class and in my mind this night was going to be different. I did not know what but I had a feeling it would be a night I would remember for a long time. I told my parents that I would be spending the night with my cousin. When I got to his apartment, I was not even sitting when he kissed me. He held me tight and led me to his bed. I took a deep breath. His bed was huge compared to my little twin bed. The sheets were white. The pillows were white. Everything in his room was so pure. Everything, including me.
My heart took over my mind and I followed him. I lay in his bed as we kissed slowly and passionately. The radio was playing softly in the background to drown out any noise we would make. The walls were paper thin in his little apartment. Every breath we made echoed a thousand miles into the next apartment. Before I knew it, my clothes were on the floor and I was vulnerable. He knew that I did not want to have sex. He promised he would wait until I was ready. While we did not have sex that night, it was one of the best nights of my life. I wanted him more than ever. My heart took over my mind. I wanted to be with him. I wanted myself to be ready. For the first time, I stayed the night with him. We cuddled all night as the radio played in the background. The stars wished us a good night as we laid in bed and drifted off to sleep. With the heat of his body warming me up, I did not need to blankets on that brisk November night.
When I got home that day, my mom was waiting for me. She told me to confess where I really had been all night. When I realized she knew the truth, I could realize that I was in trouble. I had never been able to lie to her so why would I start now? She told me that my dad drove past my cousin’s house that morning only to see that my car was not there. I was busted.
It was this day that Jeff and I made it official. He was officially my boyfriend and I was the luckiest girl in the world. From this point on, I spent a lot of nights over his apartment. When we got going it was hard to stop. As much as I liked being with him, I knew that at some point I was going to be with him completely. I did not know how long it would be. I did not know when I would be ready. All I knew is that I loved him and that day would be magical.
It was a two weeks later. Two weeks had passed since that magical night we shared together. We had been official for two weeks. I went over his house one night as I had been for two months. When we started kissing on the couch as normal, I knew in the back of my mind that this would be the night. I wanted to go all the way.
I took off his shirt and slowly kissed his chest. We explored each other slowly. We both knew in the back of our minds what was happening. I had maintained my innocence for so long and was ready to give it up to this man. When we went into his bedroom I laid on his bed anxiously. As he slowly got on top of me I gasped quickly. He was careful with me. He made sure I was okay and kissed me passionately while we made love. I was lost in a world of reality that I never knew before. I could not believe how much I loved him. With him inside me, I felt complete. I ran my fingers along his back as our bodies became one. When it was over we kissed and for a moment I laid my head on his chest. That night was perfect. Jeff was perfect. We confessed our love for each other for the first time that night. I was not able to stay that night. I had to go home because I had to work in the morning.
On my way home, I immediately called my closest girl friend. I confessed that I thought I just had sex.
“How can you think you have sex,” she asked puzzled.
“I am not sure. I mean it is not something I did before,” I replied.
“Well, was it good at least?”
“I guess so. I have nothing else to compare it to.”
I hung up the phone and was more confused than ever. I knew how I felt in my heart about Jeff but was only afraid that our relationship would now base itself on sex. My biggest worry was that he would have left me if I did not give myself up to him. I wanted him in my life in the worse way. I am too smart to give a guy sex just to keep him around. Yet, that was exactly what I did. My heart overtook my brain. As a result I was not proud of my actions. I enjoyed being with him but I did not want anyone to know about it.
Jeff was different from Terrence. He did not run away as soon as things became too serious. I could not help but think about Terrence as I drove home that night. I only hoped that he was surviving boot camp.
On the day before Thanksgiving I got a call from Jeff that turned my world upside down. He totaled his car. I was at work when I got the call and was freaking out. I did not know how to act. All I could do was hope and pray that he was all right. He told me the lady in front of him was stopped at a light. He thought he had more distance to stop than he had. In order to avoid hitting her, he swerved while slamming on his breaks. He lost control of his car and hopped the median. In doing this, his car flipped over. On the night this happened, my family and I were going out to eat for my sister’s birthday. He was invited but took a rain check because of the accident. When he told me He was staying alone that night I knew that was not right. My parents allowed him to stay the night downstairs in the spare bedroom. My sister, her boyfriend and I drove out to Jeff’s house. We drove him back to our house and set up the sleeper sofa.
I wanted my parents to meet the man that had been making me so happy for the past few months. I invited him to dinner. He came late because of work. When he finally arrived, we ate. We ate dinner at almost 8 in the evening. Besides being late, he made a good impression. My parents could tell that I was happy and that was all that mattered. If they did not like Jeff personally they did not let it show.
I had a night class when Jeff and I first started dating. It was because of this class that Jeff and I met in the first place. It was during my two hour break that I was studying and he approached me. One afternoon while I was eating lunch one day and it hurt to swallow my food. With every attempt to swallow my salad, it felt as though a knife were being stabbed into my throat. The pain was unbearable. I did not attend class that night.
I called Jeff when I got home. I told him I would not be able to see him that night because my throat was killing me. He asked if I could take him to his grandma’s house. I insisted that I needed to stay home and relax. I could barely talk. He did not listen to any my logic. It was as if he did not care. A few minutes later and with much reluctance, I was on the road. I had been convinced. Although I did not know how this relationship would work. It seemed as though he was taking advantage of me. As hard as I tried to resist, he always had control in the relationship.
Forty minutes passed and I was at his house. He was unable to get in touch with his grandmother. He convinced me to run to his friend’s house which was not far from him grandma’s house. I followed his directions. I got onto the freeway in hope that my car would survive. Before I knew it we were south of eight mile in Detroit. I was puzzled. This was not my comfort zone. I was not raised in a high-class neighborhood. As we turned onto his friend’s street, my neighborhood looked high-class to this one I was in. My house was a mansion compared to these houses. They all had some part of them missing. I guess it is part of the old house charm that makes people love these houses. Doors were off the hinges. Windows were broken. Steps were missing on the path to the porch. Most porches were filled with what I would consider garbage. Some may consider it treasures. I say to each their own.
I was a nervous wreck. I waited outside patiently while Jeff went in. All car doors were locked. My sense of awareness was at an all time high. Everyone who walked past in the street seemed suspect. I was waiting for the one person who would hijack my car. I was scared for my life. Time ticked so slowly. The slower it ticked, the more suspicious everyone around me looked. Ten minutes passed and Jeff walked back to my car. He was not alone as I had expected. My car had already been volunteered for another trip. I am glad I had granted permission in the manner.
With him was a tall skinny black man. With his gray hair, I could tell he was much older than us. In fact, I would have put money on it that he was older than both of our ages combined. What was Jeff doing with his man that was clearly old enough to be his parent? His name was Baldy. At some point, I am assuming when Jeff was attending community college, they had classes together. I was never told him real name.
We drove Baldy about ten minutes away to another friend’s house. This is a friend I was never introduced to. Once again I waited outside while they went inside. In ten minutes they returned to my car. Before I knew it we were back on the road. Jeff was unable to get in touch with his grandmother. I drove him back to his place. We hugged. I left for the night and in forty minutes I was home.
The next day when I went to see my doctor for an emergency check-up, I assumed the worse. I was relieved to know that I only had strep throat. Of all the diseases I had growing up, this was a first. I was prescribed some antibiotics and was released back into the world. I could not wait for this sickness to go away so I would be able to kiss Jeff again. At this point in time, that was all that mattered.
With a little bit of persuasion, I cuddled with him on the sleeper sofa as we watched a movie he had downloaded onto his computer. He tried to convince me to sleep with him that night but I knew my parents would not approve. At this point I knew that if I wanted Jeff in my life that I needed my parents to love him as much as I did. I also knew that as much as I wanted to be with him but at that moment I had to resist. The movie progressed in the background as we kissed. His hands started making their way around my body but I stopped him. I promised him I would be with him again but not when my parents were on the other side of the wall.
On Christmas day Jeff was at his mom’s house. He stayed there for a week. She lived almost an hour away from where I was living. I had driven further lengths to spend time with Jeff so this day was not any different. I hopped into my beat up Neon and drove out there to spend the day with him. The whole town was lit up for the holiday. Christmas trees were blossoming out of nowhere. Energy bills were going sky high with Christmas lights lit from corner to corner. It was Christmas time and there were no doubts about it. I brought some cookies my mom had made with me that day. I never go somewhere without bring something with me. It is a common courtesy that I was taught at a young age.
His mother lived in a sub-division. It was a whole new world from where I grew up. They had a big house with three stories. It was a far nicer home than I had ever been in. We played some game with him parents but I cannot recall exactly what game it was. I remember that I really enjoyed playing it. I really enjoyed that time with him and his mom.
We exchanged presents. I bought him a hat to replace the one I stole a few weeks back. He bought me a sweater and a turtle neck. Immediately I tried on my new clothes and the fit perfectly. When no one was home, we took advantage of the alone time. We kissed on the couch downstairs. I could tell he wanted to be with me. He knew I wanted to be with him. We did not have a lot of time though. His parents would be back at any point. I did not want them to think I was some floozy. We caressed each other’s bodies. I started breathing heavy. I felt him exploring my thigh. I kissed him hard as I lay on the couch. He got on top of me as he had so many times before. We were finished and dressed just in time for dessert.
Time was ticking. In a few weeks Jeff would be moving to a condominium closer to where I was living. I could not wait. I wanted so badly for him to be closer to me.
It was a few days after Christmas. After spending a weekend up north, I was able to see Jeff’s new place. He moved to a condominium in Fraser. His new place was half the distance of his old place. When I got there, he met me outside as he had on the first time I went to his old place. He led me to his condominium and showed off the new place. He showed me his balcony which he was very excited about. He gave me the grand tour. He had not completely unpacked at the time but I got the general idea of how he would be using the new space he just obtained. We sat on the couch and he turned on a movie. He invited me to stay the night but I declined. I had to work in the morning. I promised that I would be over after work with a change of clothes. I was happier than ever. Nothing could ruin my mood.
On New Year’s Eve, when I got off work at eight in the evening, I went to his house immediately. I brought a change of clothes with me to change into. My sister and her boyfriend met us there. My best friend, Destinee and her husband, Drew also met us there. We drank and played a board game. My sister and her boyfriend left a little bit before midnight to go to a friend’s house. Destinee and Drew stayed until midnight for the ball to drop. When it turned to a new year I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I had a wonderful boyfriend. I had a best friend who I knew I could always count on. I had the most supportive family in the world. What else could I ask for?
A few times a week we drove down to Detroit to deliver movies to a friend he had down there. He would get a little bit of money from him. My time was irrelevant to him. It was because of him that I started showing up late to work. When he could tell I was getting annoyed, he offered to go see his friend while I was at work. However, being that he did not have a car, this meant that he would need to drive mine. With a little bit of hesitation I agreed. He promised he would give me gas money. He also promised this would not happen often. With each day passing, I rarely drove myself to work. I also rarely drove myself to class. When he had errands to run, he borrowed my car and would pick me up when I was done with what I was doing. We would hang out at his house most of the time.
My friend Krista was coming to town to visit for a month. She would be staying with me. Jeff and I both knew this would put a hindrance on our personal time. I knew we would get through it. I was excited to be able to spend time with one of my closest friends.
On the day she arrived, we had all our friends meet at a restaurant. This would allow for everyone to get together and make plans with Krista while she was in town. Jeff was not feeling that well that night but I convinced him to come because it was important to me.
This was the night that he met Amber. She was a friend of a friend. She was a few years younger than me, making her quite younger than Jeff. She was so skinny that it amazed me. She had many boyfriends. I was sure she was very nice but I did not trust her. I could not figure out why but her presence intimidated me. I just brushed it off as paranoia.
A few weeks passed since Krista arrived. We managed to hang out as much as possible as I juggled school, work and Jeff. I was waiting in the student lounge with Krista and friends for Jeff to return with my car. He called me upset. While my car was parked behind a record store, someone busted out my driver’s side window. When they got into my car they stole items out of his backpack. I was upset because my window was busted. I felt as though my personal property has been destroyed. He was upset because such expensive items had been stolen. There was a tension growing between us. The rest of the week our communication was minimal. When we saw each other it felt more like a chore than anything. We both wanted to forget about that treacherous day. While my window had been replaced, his items were gone for good.
That weekend was Valentine’s Day. I worked on the holiday itself. On my way to work I stopped at his house to drop off a present I bought for him. I bought a huge stuffed dog. It was brown and it was so big that it stretched across the length of his couch. I also bought him chocolate. With it I had a card in which I expressed how happy I was with him.
Jeff,
I have never been happier than I am with you. I hope that our relationship can only continue to grow stronger. I cannot wait to celebrate with you tomorrow.
Love always,
Dana
The next night Krista and I made dinner for Jeff and our friend Bryan. The three of us arrived at his apartment early. As Krista and I made dinner, Jeff and Bryan talked in the living room. Krista and I prepared lemon pepper chicken with pasta. It was delicious. Actually, it came out quite perfect. It was moist and tender. It had the perfect grill marks. For dessert I purchased a chocolate cake. It was the perfect ending to a delicious meal.
During dinner we ate eagerly. We were all so hungry that there was barely time for communication. The boys complimented us on the meal in between quick bites. We managed to get a few words in. While there was no significant communication, the conversation was in our actions. I watched Jeff eat. He smiled and winked slightly at me. I held his hand under the table. I saw Krista and Bryan looking at each other with complete adoration. While neither of them admitted it, I could tell they really liked each other.
After we ate and cleaned up Jeff turned on a movie. Krista and Bryan sat on the reclining chair. Jeff and I cuddled up under a blanket on the couch. As the movie began I could feel Jeff getting frisky. I was embarrassed. I did not want to mess around with him when my friends were just a few feet away. I liked keeping my sexual life to myself. Krista was the only one who knew about me and Jeff. She was the only one I ever talked about my sexual life with. I wanted to keep it that way. I also feared that Bryan would judge me. Like me, he was a Christian. Sex before marriage is a sin in our religion. I did not want him to know that I had failed to keep the promise that I made to myself as a child.
Unlike me, Jeff was not strong in his faith. His morals were far different from mine. As long as no one got hurt, he felt he was leading a moral life. He did not attend church regularly. At this point though, neither did I because I was spending my Sundays before work with Jeff. I was pushing away from God with all the resistance I had. He was calling out to me but I was pushing him away.
Jeff convinced me that they would not be able to see anything. I smiled and kissed him. It was the first kiss all week that did not feel forced. We groped each other under the blanket discreetly. The movie rolled on but all I could think about was how badly I wanted him. I also felt guilty about being touched by him in front of my friends.
The movie ended. Jeff and I went to bed in his room. Krista and Bryan slept on the couch. I had been in Jeff’s bed many times at this point. This time was different. My friends were just down the hall. My lack of innocence may be made aware to my closest friends. Jeff was making his move. As badly as I wanted to be with him, I knew I had to push him away. The more I pushed away the more he pulled me in. I expressed my worries to him. He promised me they would not hear us. He turned on some music. As he approached me, I pulled him into me and we kissed passionately. We moved in the night as we had many times before. Our bodies moved together as I was reminded of all the reasons why I loved him. We cuddled all night that night. In the morning neither Krista nor Bryan said anything about the night before. Either they did not hear anything or they did not want to bring it up. I was relieved.
A few days later the three of us were hanging out at my house. Jeff took my car to do some work on a friend’s computer. He promised he would be back in time to drive me to work. Time ticked. It was an hour before my shift. There was still no sign of him or my car. I started getting ready. While I got dressed in my uniform he called to let me know he was on his way. Time kept ticking on. It was ten minutes until I had to leave for my shift. He was not answering his phone.
It was forty minutes before my shift. I was supposed to be out the door and on my way to work. My car was still not to be seen. I called him non-stop. I called and got voicemail so I hung up and called right back. It was not until I did this over 100 times that he answered. He was yelling at me. He told me he was lost and was getting frustrated. I was yelling back at him. I was cussing like a sailor. My world was a blur. Anger has taken over all my reasonable thoughts. I could not control myself. I was kicking my tree. I was throwing my purse. I was throwing rocks. All I knew at that point in time was that I needed to get to work and he was done borrowing my car.
At the exact moment that I was supposed to be starting at work, Jeff pulled into my driveway. My shift started without me. I called work and explained that I could be late because of car problems. I did not walk to Jeff the whole way to work. He dropped me off at work then dropped Krista at Bryan’s house. I did not talk to Jeff the rest of the day other than to say good night.
The next day we talked it out. I told him I had never been so mad at anyone in my life. When I was calling non-stop it was because I am never late for work. I cannot start now. He promised he would do better with making sure I got to where I needed to be on time. I told him he was only going to be able to use it from now on when I was in school. I could not be late for work anymore.
On the last night that Krista was in town we all met at a coffee house to say our farewells. We did not want to stay too late though. When we left there a group of us hung-out at Jeff’s for a little while until I had to drive Krista to the bus stop. Amber was included in the group. I knew she flirted with everyone. I had seen it. However, I still did not trust her with Jeff. A few hours passed and it was time to get Krista to the bus station. With Krista going back home, life with Jeff would resume.
We were on the edge. We did not have a lot of private time the past month and we were long overdue. In only took a few days and we were back to normal. It only lasted a few days though. That Saturday things took a shift. It was now March and we were almost at the six month mark. He gained my trust back and he dropped me off at work.
In the middle of my shift he called my work. He explained that somehow my tire blew out. Being that he was a computer guy and not a car guy, he did not know exactly how it happened. He was stranded about ten miles away from his house. I was stranded fifteen miles from home and my car was stranded five miles away from my house. While running my shift, I was brainstorming with solutions to the problem. I could not let my parents know that Jeff had taken my car. They also could not know that it was being driven on the freeway. He let me know when he made it home safely. I was still stranded while Jeff was safe and sound. I was upset. After running out of solutions and putting it off for hours, I called my parents. When I explained what happened my mom was upset that I took so long to call. I gave her Jeff’s number so he could tell her exactly where my car was.
When he told her it was on the freeway she agreed to pick me up from work. I got off work at midnight. At 12:15 I was at Jeff’s door to get my keys. At 12:30 we were parked behind my car and waiting for a tow truck. While we were waiting I was messaging Jeff. We were both really upset. We agreed to take a break. We needed time away from each other. We both knew in our hearts that we moved too fast in the relationship. By three in the morning we arrived back home. I thanked my mom about fifteen times and went to bed. I had a lot of thinking to do.
The next morning he called me. He asked me for a ride to Baldy’s. I was more confused than ever. I hesitated. He could tell. He begged and pleaded. I knew we were supposed to be taking a break. We were going to take a little time from each other. Seeing each other every day proved to be too much. We both new in our hearts that we got too serious too fast.
The days passed. Before I knew it we were back to where we were. We fell back into the same trap that we were in before the argument. This time felt different though. We still had our mental space. We were closer than we were before. I felt as though, for the first time since Terrence stopped talking to me, I felt complete. I was going to marry this man someday.
It was my 21st birthday. I woke up to a breakfast he has prepared for me while I was in bed. I had made plans to eat lunch with my mother at work but woke up too late to get out there. Being that he was borrowing his mom’s S.U.V, he drove me out to a nature park not too far from his house. We spent the morning walking the trail. With a stick he wrote our initials in a heart in the sand. I could not be happier. I was spending my special birthday with the love of my life. We sat down to rest by some trees and kissed. Where has Mr. Romance been all these months? We headed back to the car and held hands whole way back.
Baldy called him while we were driving. Jeff had a chance to make some money in Detroit. He was going to take me to get my hair done but he could not miss the chance to make some extra money. The ice rink that he was working at was giving him next to nothing in hours. I tried to understand that he needed money but I could not help but be disappointed. This was my 21st birthday. It was supposed to be my day. He dropped me off at my house and a friend agreed to come with me to get my hair done. I could not explain honestly where Jeff was at the time so I told her he had to work. I did not tell anyone about our trips to the ghetto of Detroit. An hour later and I had a new hair-do. I was ready for a good night.
We had plans to go to The Olive Garden that night with my family. While I waited for dinner, I sat at home patiently and visited with my family. This was the most I had seen them in months. With school, work, and spending time with Jeff I was rarely at home anymore. If I was at home they were at work. The plan was that Jeff was going to meet us at my house and we would all drive together to the restaurant. My sister and Gary would be meeting us there. Time ticked on and we would be leaving in a few minutes. Jeff was not answering his phone. I was getting a little annoyed but was sure he had a reason. Six o’ clock approached.
We were heading out the door and I still had no word from Jeff. I tried to hide my disappointment but my parents knew me better than that. When we were seated he finally called. He said he did not hear his phone go off because it was on vibrate. He agreed to meet us at the restaurant and allowed us to order without him. I gave him directions and relayed the message to my family. They were relieved because they were all getting hungry.
Twenty minutes later Jeff strolled in. He apologized for being late and ordered his meal. We were almost done eating but waited patiently for him to finish. I could tell my family was getting irritated but they tried hard to hide it. They were biting their tongues so hard that I was waiting to see blood pouring out. As dinner continued we had good conversation and the rest of the night progressed without further conflict.
Jeff drove me to our usual bar after dinner. We met up with some friends and had a few drinks. I cannot recall exactly what I drank but I enjoyed spending my day with all the people that meant the most to me. It was the best birthday a girl could even imagine. Nothing was going to ruin my night. We left the bar and went back to his place around midnight. We had to leave early because I had class the next morning. That night he made sure I went to bed happy. He apologized for earlier and we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
A few days later and my birthday party would be that night. We would be meeting up with my friends at our usual bar. I told them all to be up there around 9 in the evening. I wanted a birthday cake so I knew I was going to have to run to the super market to get some items for it.
That day Jeff and I had to travel down to Detroit so Jeff could get some money from Baldy. It was seven in the afternoon when we started out way down there. Time was flying by faster than normal and soon we would be running on empty time. We made it to Baldy’s at 7:40. We were on our way back at 8:00. I was getting antsy. I was going to be late to my own party. We made it to the grocery store at 8:15. At 8:20 we were back at his apartment. I quickly mixed up the ingredients and threw the cake in the oven. It would take ten minutes to cook. When it cooled, I still had to frost it. By 9:00 we were finally out the door. I was annoyed. I was ten minutes late for my own party. I could tell everyone was annoyed and I apologized on rapid fire. Andrea and Gary were waiting for me so they could spend a little of time with me before they headed to bed. Gary worked early in the morning so he was not able to stay out late. I could feel a distance growing between me and my sister and I did not like it.
Jeff only stayed at the party for forty five minutes. He said he was not feeling well and he needed to get some medication. I gave him my debit card to go get some and kissed him good bye. A good friend of mine agreed to drive me back to Jeff’s at the end of the night. I tried to have fun but when he left all of my focus was on him. All I wanted was for him to feel better. The rest of the night flew by. Before I knew it I was bidding farewell to my friends and heading back to Jeff’s. When I made it back I could tell he was feeling a lot better but something seemed off.
I walked into his computer room and saw a chat window open from Amber. He has been talking to her while he was “too sick to attend my birthday party.” The messages he sent were so profane that it made me sick. By the time he got into the room I finished reading and there was no evidence. I was upset but had no physical truth. Amber had distanced herself from the group. Jeff told me she was trying to get with him and would have made up vicious rumors to get her way. The next morning, I woke up early enough to read his text messages. I could not believe what I was reading. I knew from the beginning that I could not trust Amber and now I knew why.
When my checking account had a $90 overdraft fee I was puzzled. I turned to a close friend for some financial help. With a little hesitation he lent me enough money to get my account out of the hole. He did not understand why my finances had spun so out of control. I could not explain it to him because I did not understand either. I knew that I would find a way to pay my friend back but felt so guilty about taking money from him. When I went to Jeff’s that night I gave him the money that I borrowed from my friend. I guilt overtook me and slowly I was pushing my friends away.
When I looked over my bank statement the truth came out. There was a withdrawal made on the night that Jeff had my card. He was running out of forgiveness. I was running low on trust. When I questioned him about it, he said he had no idea and that the bank must have made a mistake.
I spent the next few weeks trying to get him to confess. There was no more trust in the relationship. Our intimate nights were few and far in between. I found it hard to be with him when I no longer trusted him. I was not stupid. I knew that on top of all the money he already owed me, he stole some directly out of my bank account. I also knew that he had cheated on me.
Saturday April 19th. Instead of going to the usual bar for karaoke, we drove out to the middle of nowhere to his friend’s house. While I was working that day he asked if he could lend my laptop to someone to earn some extra money. Being distracted and trying to get him off of the phone, I agreed. He had it at his place at the time because he was supposed to be working on it. I headed to his house right after work. Right from there we drove forty minutes out to his friend’s house.
That was a fun night. We spent it drinking and playing cards. We laughed. Time flew by. I beat everyone in Texas Hold ‘Em with help from Jeff. I never played for money before that night. I was really enjoying my winnings. But I knew in the back of my mind that Jeff did not help me win selfishly. It was when we got back into the car that he asked for the money. I told him that because I won, it was my money. He also owed me a lot of money so I told him I would put it towards his debt. I was nervous to have Jeff behind the wheel. He promised me he was okay so I believed him. What else was I going to do? I was in the middle of nowhere and had to get home somehow.
He drove crazy. He was driving over 100 miles per hours on the dimly lit country road. I was scared for my life. All I could do was pray that I would make it home safely. While he was driving, he was groping me softly. I was startled. He looked at me. With a smile he said, “You deserve to have fun sometimes. You live your life too strict.” I smiled and groped him back softly. We were just a few miles away from his place when the night turned into an end. I saw red and blue lights. In the next minute they had multiplied in rear view mirror.
“Jeff, there are two cops behind you!”
“Where?”
“You need to stop.”
“What?”
“You need to pull the car over. Please.”
At that point I knew he was gone. He was not going to win this one. After two minutes of trying to outrun the cops he pulled over. We were instructed to roll down the windows and put out hands out over the speaker. As the cop approached, Jeff was instructed to step out of the car. The cop came to my side of the car and ordered me to take a sobriety test. I had never taken one before this point. I was not completely sure how to blow into the straw they gave me but they walked me threw it. I blew all zeros. When I did they allowed me to move over to the driver’s side of the car. It seemed like I was there forever. When we saw steam coming, I turned my car off so it was able to cool down. It had been running for almost an hour at this point. I watched Jeff fail the sobriety text. I watched in my mirror as he was hand cuffed and helped into the cop car.
“Asshole,” I muttered under my breath.
Unknown to me the cop heard me. He was startled.
“Ma am are you talking about the officer?”
“Oh no officer, I am talking about that guy you just put into the car.”
My phone went off. I got a text message from Jeff.
It read: “Don’t pay them a dime.”
I replied: “We need to talk when you are out.”
After about ten minutes I was able to go home. I drove home that night and got home around three in the morning. At that point I could not take anymore. I had to end it. He put my life and my car in danger. That was the last straw.
I could not sleep that night. When I woke up after tossing and turning I told my mom what happened. She agreed that I had to end it as soon as possible.
I felt like a failure. I felt dirty. How would God ever forgive me? All I wanted to do that day was cry. That was all I was able to do. All the emotions that I had held in over months finally overtook me. I had been strong for too long. My happy face had worn off and I could no longer wear it. There was no point in lying anymore. I was weak. All of the strength I had to pretend happiness had expired.
I expressed my worries to my mother. I felt terrible for giving myself up to him. He took the one part of me that only one man will ever have. He took the one thing that I had worked so hard to maintain. My virginity will never come back. I did not tell anyone about my sex life because I was ashamed. I could not believe I was so stupid to believe his lies. When you are caught up in the moment the heart always conquerors the mind. She assured me that God would love me regardless. He would always be there for me and his love was something that none of us could grasp. It was so strong that it made a mother’s love seem terribly weak. For the first time in a long time she gave me a hug. I cried on her shoulder as I had when I was a child. As much as I had tried to push her away over the past few months, she was still there for me in the end. I needed some fresh air.
I needed Terrence. I needed his comfort. I had been there for him so many times in high school. I helped him get through so many relationships. I helped him overcome his depression. Why wasn’t he here for me, when I needed him the most? I knew he would understand the pain I was going through. However, I had no way to contact him. I had access to his profile online but he rarely checked it. I had his screen name but he was never online.
I also needed my older sister. I walked the five blocks to her house. She was living with her boyfriend of three years. She comforted me. She painted my nails. She assured me that I would get through this. In the back of my mind I knew that was true. I had a strong foundation of family and close friends. They would help me out of this. As my nails dried, I got word from Jeff.
His phone battery had died over night while he was locked up. He walked to a liquor store near the police station where he spent the night. The owner graciously let him use the phone. He got my house number off of information. My mom took the call and got directions to where he was waiting for me to pick him up. My mom and dad agreed to drive me to the store to pick him up.
The directions my mom got were incomplete. We drove around for a half hour trying to find an intersection that did not exist. We returned to my house. My father got the phone number to the store off of the caller identifier. He got a better sense of where Jeff was waiting. We took off again. Forty minutes later and Jeff was in the car.
“It would not be long now,” I thought to myself, “Soon enough this misery will conclude and I will be done with him.”
Jeff interrupted my thoughts while trying to make small talk. He said he could not get into his apartment until he got his keys back. I was confused.
With an exasperated sigh, I asked him where his keys were. I could only prepare for the worse. He admitted that he left them on the floor mat of my car.
Another forty minutes passed. Jeff had his keys and we were on our way to his apartment. My father was doing his best at not saying anything to Jeff. As much as he wanted to tell him off, he remained calm. To ask an honest man, such as my father, is a near to impossible task.
We arrived to his apartment after the most awkward drive turned to an end. Jeff and I walked up to his room. While I had done this many times before, this time was different. I knew that this would be the last time.
I hurriedly gathered my items as soon as he opened the door and let me in. I scurried around the house and gathered any item that belonged to me. I looked at the dog I bought him for Valentine’s Day. I thought briefly about taking it with me. He did not deserve such a cute stuffed animal after all I had been through. Then I realized that looking at it every day would be a constant reminder of negativity. While I hoped it would remind me of all the good times I had with him, I knew that it would not have that effect. I came out of his bedroom with the last few items. The only thing I was missing was the slip for my computer. He tried acting as though everything was going to be okay. I think that deep down, he knew what was coming. He knew how hurt I was and that there was no more he could do or say. He knew he lost me but he did not want to admit it.
“So, I figure I will be around until about July,” he said casually.
“That is fine because we are over anyways,” I replied without hesitation.
He was shocked. I could tell by looking into his eyes that he did not expect that from me.
“What are you talking about?”
“I cannot handle this anymore. I do need the papers for my computer though.”
“They are in my car.”
“I do not care where they are. Let’s just get the papers so I can be done with you.”
We walked out to his car. He opened up the center console and grabbed the papers. Before he had closed the door, I snatched the papers out of his hands. I stuffed them into my back pocket and climbed back into the truck. I watched my first true love walk away without remorse.
It was not over. My mom agreed to recover my laptop but material possessions are far easier to recover than a broken heart.
He called me non-stop that day. It was harder to ignore him than I thought. All of his calls were being sent directly to voicemail. My sister advised me to just ignore the messages and delete them without listening. In my logical mind that made sense. However all logic in my mind was blurred with emotion. My emotions had taken over at the first messages. He was blaming everything on me. How could I have fallen in love for a grown man who had yet to learn how to take blame where blame was due? He was such a coward. I had rose-tinted glasses on for so long but now they were off and the truth was out.
The next day he really got to me. I did not attend my class. I could not focus. I was still weak from the day before. He left a message. I can only vaguely recall it. I remember him crying. I remember him saying he did not know how his life could go on. He said he was weak and he just needed to hear my voice. As soon as I could I called him back. When he did not answer I was terrified. I packed up m backpack and grabbed my purse. I started to walk to my car and he called back. He left a message explaining that he did not hear the phone ring because he was in the shower.
I knew immediately that I had to change my number. He could not have contact with me. That was just giving him power over me that he did not need or deserve. There were still some ways he would be able to get a hold of me but it required effort on his part that I doubted he would put into it.
He went to my work that day. I was in the back when I saw him walk in on camera. I could not face him. I could not face him now. I had been doing so well at avoiding him. My assistant manager told him I was busy and was not able to talk. She asked him to leave. I watched him walk out the door. I felt relieved. It was not until I saw him lurking around my car that I got worried.
“What is he up to now,” I wondered out loud.
When he left the assistant manager went outside to check out my car. There was nothing wrong with it but he left a note. To this day, I cannot recall exactly what the note said. I ripped it up before I was able to read it. It was impossible to read in that condition. I attempted to tape it back together but did not completely succeed. In the part that I was able to read, he confessed his affair with Amber. He blamed it on my weight, a lifelong struggle. He really knew how to get under my skin.
Over a few weeks we corresponded over the Internet. When I blocked his profile on a popular social networking site, he emailed me. None of the messages we sent were nice. All of what I said was true. I told him he was not going to get anywhere in life until he could take blame for his actions. All of what he said was just mean. He told me that he needed a girl he could just toss on the bed who knew how to have a good time. We both needed people that were completely different from what we had the past seven months.
The last email he sent me was the most prominent. It has been almost three years and I still know what most of the email message said.
Subject: It isn’t over bitch
You stupid bitch! I am so glad you broke it off. I was going to months ago but I am not good at it. Yes, I slept with Amber. It was nice to be with someone I could throw onto the bed and have my way with. You are too uptight. You need to get out more and party. You also do not take care of yourself. You barely shower and it shows. I would say have a nice life but that would be a lie.
In response to his email, I wrote him a letter. It was three pages long and hand-written on notebook paper. I read it over a few times. I wanted to make sure I had expressed everything that I needed to. I folded up the letter and placed it carefully in an envelope. I do not remember exactly what I wrote in the letter but it was my way to tie up all loose ends. The front of the envelope I wrote:
To Jeff:
This is the end. From this point on I do not want to hear anything else from you.
On my way to work, I placed the envelope the envelope on his car windshield. I thought about putting it under his door but that was too risky. I did not want to see him while I was leaving this note. I just wanted to leave the note and be done with it. I just wanted to be done with him once and for all.
Months had passed since I broke up with Jeff. He was officially out of my life.
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