Great. Just great.

Why does life have to be so complicated? As soon as I think I get it figured out it seems to blow up in my face.
I was living the perfect drama free life. I was having fun with my friends. I was hanging out and getting along with everyone. I reconnected with a guy friend of mine with whom I stopped talking to for awhile. We stopped talking because there was some drama that needed to be sorted out. And of course that blew up on my face.
This guy friend has a little bit of history with a girlfriend of mine. They used to hang out and what not. Well it ended badly and she does not want anything to do with him. He thought that because it was so long since everything happened that they were cool again. Who knew that she could carry such a grudge?
Well she told me yesterday that she does not have time in her life for people who are disloyal and weak. She said I am disloyal because I wanted to be friends with her AND him. I wanted both of them in my lives. I was not hiding it from her. It never came up in conversation. I did not think it was that big of a deal. Okay so their relationship did not work out. It is not like I was trying to hurt her. I did not decide to be friends with him out of spite. I honestly wanted to be friends with both of them.
I understand where she is coming from kind of. He has not always been the nicest to me. He only hangs out with me when it is good for him. He is terrible at answering his phone. But my relationship with him should NOT affect my relationship with her. They are separate. We are not all in a relationship together. I have been thinking about this A LOT. Yeah I am not going to be messaging him. I am going to leave him alone and hope that he returns. They say that if you let something go and it comes back it is yours. If we are meant to be friends then he will come back around on his own time.
It breaks my heart a little that after all of this I lost two friends. I knew that eventually I would have to let him go. I knew that I was going to have to get over that fact that we would never work. Maybe talking to her was just the wake up call that I needed. I can only hope and pray that SHE comes back around. I can only hope that she forgives me I guess for being a terrible friend. Well at least she thinks I am a terrible friend.
This really sucks.

I'm back!

Sorry I left the blogging scene for quite some time. I have not felt inspired to write. Why would I write if I am just going to write nonsense? I want to write things that I feel are worth reading. I jotted down a blog during Economics class but of course I could not find it.

I have been thinking a lot lately about my life. My love life in particular. It is such a mess right now. Why can't I just find a good guy? I know all the reasons. HE will be there when you are ready. He will find you when you are not looking. Maybe it is not a good time for you to be in a relationship. You should spend some time being single. Screw that! I do not want to be single. I am sick of being single.

A few weeks ago my family spent the night at this lodge up north. It was sort of our Christmas party. Well because I was the only adult without a significant other, I got to sleep in my grandma's room. I mean it wasn't bad. It was fun actually but still. I felt like a child. I try to put on a happy face for everyone. I smile more than most but I am lonely. I do not even enjoy my own company these days. That was something I used to always thrive on. I used to always enjoy spending time alone. Lately I hate the thought of being alone.

I am 24. I am not getting any younger.
I do not want your sympathy. I do not need hugs. I just miss having that one person that I knew I could always count on to be there when I needed to talk. I miss that companionship. Please do not call or text me and ask if I am okay. I will probably lie anyway. I just need time to sort this out in my head. I need to get comfortable with being by myself again. Heaven knows I could be this way for a long time.
Please do not message me. I am not asking for anyone's sympathy. I just needed to vent. I will be okay. For now I just need figure out this thing called life. Well at least I need to figure out where I stand in my relationship with me. But do not worry about me okay? I am strong.

Call me crazy

There are so many homeless people in Detroit. It is depressing. It is hard to walk around down town for class and NOT notice.
I want to do something for them. I want to reach out to them one person at a time. I am unable to reach out to all of them. I am unable to talk with each and every one of them on a daily basis. They need to know that God loves them. They need to know that, despite their current living conditions, there is love for them. They need to know that people care about them. They need to know that there are people that are willing to help even in the smallest ways.
I cannot convince myself that it is a good idea to go to other countries to do missionary work. I cannot convince myself that these people in other countries need our support. I know they do. I know they are suffering. I know they are poor and well beyond the poverty level that has been established in the USA.
On the same level, I cannot convince myself to go to these other countries when there is so much work that needs to be done on the home front. Detroit has so much promise and I want to do whatever I can in order to bring it back to the ravishing city it once was. I want people to WANT to come to Detroit. I want people to dream about living in Detroit like they dream about living in New York in California. Perhaps I am too much of an optimist but I will tell you one thing: I am NEVER going to give up on the city. I am never going to give up on Detroit. I know it is suffering. I know that it needs a lot of work. But I also know that if we all pulled together, we could get it to where it once used to be.
Here is where I started.
Last Sunday a friend and I started a little journey to make Detroit that much of a better place.
There is a homeless guy who stands on the corner of I94 and Moross. This is the exit we take when we attend weekly church service at his church. We wanted to reach out to this man. We had it in our heads to buy him a lunch but that was not enough. I bought some food from 7-11. He bought a coffee from Starbucks. We parked my car at his church. From there we walked to the corner where the homeless guy was standing, in desperation, for some fortune from God.
We presented him the food, coffee, and sugar for the coffee. We learned his name is Bill. His story goes as this: He was married for thirteen years and has children. (I forgot how many and I am unsure how old they are.) The wife found someone else of interest at the church and filed for divorce. She got all the money and the house. He was left with nothing. He was happy that she had the house and money because he knew his children would be taken care of.His plans are to get disability so he is able to get an apartment. He plans on attending church service next week at my friends church. I will not be there but I will keep you all updated.
We told him that God loves him. We chatted for about ten minutes or so. While we were sitting there another lady pulled up and gave him two bags of food which included bread, lunch meat, and fruit.
I could not help but watch around me as others drove by. I was surprised at some of reactions that I saw. I saw one lady shake her head. I do not know if she was shaking it at us talking to Bill, or if she thought he was taking advantage of us. Obviously that was not the case. We went to talk to him because we wanted to. We also knew that God had our back despite whatever happens. I saw several people staring. This bugged me. I hate being stared at. I felt as though they were judging us and the situation. This is not their job. It is God's job to set judgement and no one else's. (Just saying)
From this day forward, whenever I go downtown I am going to intentionally carry some sort of snack food item with me so that I will have something to give when I see a homeless man or woman on the corner. I will even sit down and chat with them as long as I have the time. They are just people. They are not homeless by choice.

How is YOUR time being used?

I have to admit. I get most inspired to write when I am sitting in coffee houses. This is usually where I can just sit and write. I put my pen to the paper and just let it roll across as words are produced. I know this sounds like a cliche. Who hasn't felt inspired by the atmosphere of a coffee house? How many starving artists produce amazing pieces of art either in the coffee house or just after leaving it?
I am supposed to be working on an essay but it is not due for a few more weeks. I am going to be working on it when I return home from work. Instead I am spending my time writing in the blog in hope that maybe I will get more followers.
I like to write for the simple joy of it. No editing. I embrace an flaws that my writing may have. If I had the time, I would sit in a coffee house from morning until dusk and just write. I would put my hand to the paper in the morning and not remove it until the store closed. However I do not have the time to complete this task.
Time is a delicacy we never seem to have enough of. When we have too much we complain. We do not know how to spend extra time when we get it. We complain of boredom because it is the only thing that makes sense.
In this super busy world, time is a necessity. It is necessary to make time for those who matter in your life. Bank those extra seconds, minutes and hours until you need to use them. Do not waste it. What is that point? You will never get it back. Once time is spent there is no retracing your steps for even an additional second in your life.
Life is too short to spend time on things or people who only bring you down. Smile at everyone you see. A gesture as small as a smile can change someone's day completely around. Be nice to everyone who crosses your path. Anger is a wasted emotion. You can lose a tremendous amount of time with someone because of anger. You never realize how important someone is in your life until they are no longer there.
Time can be used to earn money. I give my time every week and in return am given a pay check. Naturally this works for a majority of people. I agree to give up my time a few hours a week to benefit my future. The cost of tuition is costly but it is worth it in the end. Education is ALWAYS time well spent.
Speaking of time, I am supposed to be working on that essay. I am wasting time in order to write this. Time wasted or time well spent? How are most of your days used? Think about that with each and every decision you make in your life. Some days it is relaxing to let life waste away. It is comforting to see time fly and not have to worry about how it is spent. It is nice to take a breather. I spent 21 minutes writing this and of course I consider it time very well spent!

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This is my favorite time of the year! It always has been. I love the bright colors. I love how pretty the trees look. I love how they go from green to multiple different colors. I love the sound of leaves crunching under my feet as I walk down the street. I love apples. I love cider. I love doughnuts. The weather is perfect. Warm enough to get away with just a hoodie and a pair of jeans. Cold enough for some hot cider.

I love Halloween. It is just a fun holiday. Okay so it does not have as much religious symbolism. Who cares? It is a time where any one has a chance to be a kid again. I do believe that some people take advantage though. Some people use this holiday as a reason to dress to impress. They take classic costumes and turn it into something scandalous. Because seriously, when else would you see a vampire wearing fish nets? (Other than in some pornographic movie?) I really do not have much else to say.

Sorry this blog was kind of pointless. Sorry for wasting your time.

Those teachable moments...

I have had some amazing teachers in my life. They have taught me so many different lessons. Not all of these teachers were in a classroom setting.

My parents are two of the best teachers I have had. Besides the fact that my mom is the only one of the two that actually teaches for a living. My dad teaches in a sense. He is constantly instructing the staff that is below him. They have taught me to love. They have taught me that God loves me no matter what I do or say. I could list everything but the list goes on to eternity. Even though I am twenty four, I am still learning from them.

My sister is also a great teacher of mine. She does not realize this but I have been following her for as long as I can remember. I would annoy her from time to time but I always looked up to her. I learned from her mistakes. I learned how to relate to our father through her. Which, if you know my father, he is not always the easiest person to relate to. I am not saying this in a mean way. I am just saying this as a fact.

Then there is Destinee. She has shown me that family does not always have to be blood related. The family bond can be thicker than blood. God put her in my life for a reason. I will never regret approaching her the first day I saw here walk onto the soccer field with her family. I will never regret telling her that she could not push me away and that no matter how hard she tried, I would always be in her life.

Mr. Humphrey showed me that being a Christian can be cool. We all know that in high school peer pressure is thick. We want to be cool. We want to be able to fit in with the crowd and not be that kid. (You know the kid that is only ever remembered in negative ways?) He taught me to love myself. Of course he also taught me some science but naturally I forgot those facts already. I do remember him telling us that the sky was actually purple but our eyes are sensitive to the color blue so we see it as blue. Even to this day when I bring it up, no one believes me. I back it up with, "Well Mr. Humphrey said that.." Obviously if he said it, it has to be true. This is terrible but it has helped me a lot over the years. He also, unintentionally, taught me how to squeak my way through a class and manage a minimum grade.

Dearest Mr. Humphrey,

If you are listening, it it thanks to you that I have a hard time listening to Amazing Grace. Every time I hear it, I am reminded of you singing it as we all stand, shivering, around the flag pole in front of the school. This image haunts my memories every time I hear the song and I cannot shake it. I cannot forget how you smiled through the entirety of the class period, even if someone upset you. I cannot forget how happy you were to be doing what you loved. You were an amazing teacher and I was so blessed to have you in my life even for a very short period. It was that period of my life that was so crucial and you helped me through it more than you knew.

Thank you.

Now I cannot go through and list every single teacher that has impacted my life in some way or another. I have been lucky to have some really amazing ones of the years. I am not sure if this is coincidence but the English teachers, except Mrs. Pastoria, tend to be my favorites. They tend to influence me to be the best writer that I can be without even trying.

Control

God is amazing. He never ceases to amaze me in what he does. He has created so many beautiful things in this world. Look at the flower below. It is beautiful. When I first saw it, I knew I had to take a picture of it. It is so intricate. It is breath taking.

I went to church with the some friends the other day and the message really got to me. At one point the priest said, "You have to allow the spirit control in your life." I know I have an issue with control. I know that I like to think that I

am in control of my life. I did not know where this stemmed from until recently.

It came from an ex boyfriend. When I was with him, I had no control. I would show up late for work and school. I was poor because I practically signed my checks over to him. My credit card debt was through the roof. He had all of the control. It was not until I broke up with him that I gained control.

Even in the after mass he managed to steal what little control he could from me. As hard as I tried to ignore his phone calls, I returned one. I returned a call after he told me he was going to commit suicide. He did not answer but retur

ned the call saying that he was in the bathroom. However it was me that obtained all the control

in the end. I changed my phone number so he was not able to call me. My manager talked to h

im for me when he came into my work demanding money. I ripped up the letter he left me and threw it in the trash. I was broken hearted at the words he said to me but in time all is healed.

From that moment on I have been obsessed with controlling my life. I panic when things do not go according to plan. I cry, I freak out, I yell, and I scream. It is scary. I get into a zone and I cannot stop myself.

I need to allow God in. I need to allow him some control in my life. As crazy as my world is he needs to wash over me and his deeds will be done. I will follow his will until the day I die. All I need to do is allow him some control. That is not as easy as it seems.