I am addicted...

To hot chocolate....metaphorically.
I am always looking for my next cup. I am always hoping that out there, will be the one relationship in which my hot chocolate will be just right.
Not too hot.
Not too cold.
Not too salty.
Not too sweet.
I have yet to find perfection.
My parents will be celebrating 30 years next month. I could not be happier for them. They have what I consider a Gharadelli hot chocolate. They have the top of the line hot chocolate. Sometimes their whip cream spills and they argue. However, they are going strong. I really look up to them and can only hope that I have a long lasting relationship like that someday.
Just not soon.
I need to live my life for myself for a little while longer. I need to be selfish. I need time to be with myself. It is relaxing. For the most part it is stress free.
I have to keep reminding myself that until the summer at least I am flying solo.
I keep trying to make hot chocolate happen.
BUT
I know in my heart that I need to be single for awhile.

Stuck.

Why is it that all I can think about it writing? I am living in a dream world and I cannot snap out of reality. I spend a majority of my time day dreaming these days. Call me a space cadet but I consider myself more of an artist. I am always thinking about the next sentence I want to compose. I cannot get this memoir out of my head. It is all I think about. Reliving the past is a hard thing to do but in front of everyone I am. I am really opening up and it is kind of draining. I find it hard to express myself in reality these days. When I constantly write about what happened in the past I do not have words for the now. I do not have words for the moment. I cannot express how I am feeling exactly. It is as if I am stuck in Jeff and Terrence land with no way out. I am spinning out of control. I need to finish this memoir so I can come back to reality. I need to finish so that all my emotions are expressed and I can become human again. This is the most bizarre thing in the world. One guy at work mentioned that I was quiet one day. I was because I had nothing to say. I had been writing so much that I was out of words. I wish I was kidding but I am so serious. My mind is a few years back. I figure if I keep thinking about it it will be easier to write when it comes time to do so. Please help me get back to reality. If you notice me spacing out these next few months, bring me back. Make me focus on the now. Make me remember how to live my life without dwelling on the fact that I have a memoir to write. I have to drain all my emotions onto a piece of paper for my teacher to read. She told me this would be a challenge. I was up for it. I just did not realize how difficult it could be.

Yup

I cannot believe it is half way through MCREST week already. Time flies by so fast. I plan on going back tonight to help with searches. I am going to first aid class from 2-5 today. I am hoping that I will be able to make it to the church after. I am pretty sure I should be able to. I think they start letting the guys in at 6. That should give me more than enough time. I am planning on hanging out with my friends at our usual coffee house tonight.
I had the best time last night. We went to a new coffee house. It was only a few of us. This one has a different environment than the first. It is more relaxing almost. It was a smaller group but I had so much fun. I was excited that Dennis came out. He does not come out often so when he does it is nice to see him. I could give or take on a certain person that was there last night. I am sure he is nice but he tends to get on my nerves every time I see him.
I was supposed to be talking to a guy when I was there but I am terrible at confrontations. I decided that I did not like him as much as I thought I would. I was trying to let him down. While he is nice I just could not do it. I think he got the message. He called me a little while ago and when I did not answer, he did not leave a voice mail. I think he moved on. HAHA. I am okay with that. I am planning on being single until at least the summer anyway.
Erin, Dennis and I decorated the Saunder's residence in post-it notes. We would have done their car but it was in the garage. We decorated their door. It was pretty and colorful. Destinee enjoyed it. I am glad that a little thing like that can really make someone's day.

Tired

This blog will probably make no sense. I am running on four (ish) hours of sleep and a cup of cappuccino. There was also a banana with peanut butter involved. I have laundry going for a guy who I do not even know. I am waiting for the dryer to complete so that I can run to Kroger and pick up a few things.
I want to bake. I found a recipe called "the brownie that will change your life." I must try this recipe. I was reading it over and it sounds amazing. It also sounds pretty easy. I hope it looks as good as the picture when I am done.
I work at 3 and am trying to squeeze in a nap beforehand. However since I am doing laundry for MCREST (Macomb County Rotating Emergency Shelter Team), I am not sure if I will be able to or not. They are just lucky that I am a nice girl. ^_^ I should go to bed early tomorrow and Wednesday so that I can conserve some energy. I am glad my church only does this once a year. If they did it anymore, I would be a dead girl a walkin.
Another note.
I decided, after a lot of praying, that from now until next summer I am flying solo. I need time for myself. I need to have a relationship with myself. I have no had one in so long. I also need to work on my relationship with God. While we always talk I feel distant from him. It is weird. I know he is always there for me but I feel I am not always there for him. Well God, I am here now. I am going to work on our relationship because you are amazing!
Next summer I may be interning in Walt Disney World. It is a program through my school. It would be my last hooray before I head off to Wayne State. This may mean that I have to take my last two Macomb classes at Wayne but I am okay with that. Besides, I was told that the Shakespeare teacher at Wayne is phenomenal! I think some time outside of Michigan would be good for me. I need to get away for a little while, even if it is just for the summer. That will give me time to explore and see what other possibilities are out there for me. I would love to just quit Wendy's and drive with no destination in mind. Just drive and see where the world takes me. That would be exciting. However, as adventurous as I am, the thought of that is a little scary. I am going to pray on it. I need to know if I am on the right track. I need to know if teaching truly is my life's mission. Please pray for me. Thanks!

sister (FOR DEST AND ANDREA)

To my sisters:
Andrea: Believe it or not, I have always looked up to you. I would not have gotten through a lot these past few years without you by my side. Thank you for everything you have done for me. I love you! You are the best sister I could ask for. I love how close we have grown to be over the years.
Dest: You are my sister. Blood is overrated. You are always there for me and I would not want my life without you in it. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for always telling me how it is. I hope one day I will be as good of a mother as you are. Jade is growing up so fast. He is going to be such a great kid. I can tell. I love you Dest!