Thursday, December 30, 2010
:)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
story again
It was the project in composition class at the community college that would bring us together in the end. We were told to write about an important person and/or event in our lives. It goes without saying that Dean wrote as much about the accident as he could recall. His therapist told him that he needed to constantly talk about it. By blocking it out, it was only hurting him. I wrote about a guy who I had a big crush on all through school but barely noticed me as anything than a friend.
We were assigned as partners to do peer editing. I revealed a lot about myself in the brief memoir that I wrote. I was afraid that he would be able to put a name with a face in the short part that he read.
"This is really good," he remarked one day, "You know, I do remember you vaguely from school. I am sorry about this guy though. It seems as though he missed out."
I could not help but smile at this point. I could also feel myself blushing.
"Don't go there," I told myself, "It would not work out and he probably has a girlfriend."
I was lost in my own train of thoughts when I heard his voice in the background.
"Want to go out sometime," he asked.
"What," I replied with a startle as I came back into reality.
"What did you think of mine," he replied hastily.
"Oh yeah, sorry. It was good. I did not know a lot about the accident. All I ever heard were rumors. It is brave of you to talk about it."
"Thanks," he said smugly.
I would never have thought of him as a writer. He was the genius type. You know the type that is freakishly good at math and science. The type that was good at everything and constantly surprises everyone. I did not recall him having a lot of friends in school but I think that was because everyone was intimidated by him. No one wanted to have a friend who was so much smarter than them. They all thought of him as a nerd or a geek. I thought of him as amazing and mysterious. I always wanted to know more about him but was too afraid to talk to him. In truth, he intimated me as much as the rest of our classmates.
Monday, December 27, 2010
My goal..
Friday, December 24, 2010
Different scenario for story. (really just brainstorming)
We both grew up in a suburb of Detroit called Eastpointe. It is such a tiny city that if you really wanted to, you could drive the perimeter of it in a half hour tops. The city is so small that part of the school district spills over into the neighboring suburb of Warren. Warren is one of the biggest cities in Michigan. This is where I grew up. Had I lived just a few blocks west, I would have gone to a completely different school district growing up.
It was not until we shared a college class together that he noticed me. He commented that I looked familiar but was uncertain why.
"We grew up together," I reminded him, "We went to school together since we were four."
"Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. Since the accident, I do not remember anybody. I barely remember my own parents some days."
It is true that he was in a very bad accident when we were sophomores in high school. He was on his way to school when a drunk driver flew through the intersection and spun his car to the other side of the road. Fortunately there were no other cars coming because it could have been much worse. Dean is very lucky to be living to this day but his memory needs constant work.
Dean and I graduated ten years ago. When I walked across the stage all those years ago, I never would have guessed that I would be where I am today.
Monday, December 20, 2010
No subject neccesary...p.s. this is a story...and fictional. not based on facts.
First there is the boy in the tale. His name is George. He is tall. His hair is dark brown, his eyes as green as a perfect lawn. He is currently teaching fifth grade science in the suburbs of Detroit. He never had a serious relationship that lasted more than a year. His passion is teaching and often times that tends to get in the way of him getting to involved with other individuals.
Then, there is the girl. Her name is Leah. She is also a teacher. She teaches kindergarten. She also resides in Eastpointe which is a suburb of Detroit. It is a city that is about two miles in every direction. To drive the perimeter would take up to a half hour.
They grew up together in good ol' Eastpointe and managed to teach in the school district that brought them together in the very beginning.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Well
I am worried that I will not be able to get all the Christmas presents for everyone that I wanted to. Only time can tell of course. Somehow, I always manage to get everyone's presents but we will see.
I am going to have my Christmas cards done and in the mail by the weekend. I cannot wait for next Wednesday. Jesus' annual birthday party! I must say I have some pretty darn good ideas.
Oh, and I came to the conclusion that I may not be as good of a writer as I thought. Yeah, I am good at making sentences. Sure I punctuate in all the write spots. I paint scenes with words for all to enjoy. But, there are better writers than me out there.
There is a fella in my class who is published and I can tell why. When he reads, it gives me the attack shivers. His story is so powerful. Mine is a big cliche. It is the typical boy meets girl kind of story with a Nicholas Sparks twist. The only thing different about me and Nicholas Sparks....is my story actually happened. (And not in a small town.)
I am going to do some more work on my memoir. I have time. Why not perfect it?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
By george.
Why should I put a BIFFLE title on anyone? It is forcing a friendship. It ias also putting more pressure on that person to be the best friend they can be. I never put the title on anyone else before and I have made plenty of friends. There is no pressure. There is no forced relationship. We just go with the flow.
My relationships I have made have evolved through themselves. I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people in my life. They all have experienced things that I cannot even begin to imagine. Their stories are worth telling. They just have to be ready to tell them.
I think everyone has a story to tell. We all have that one story that would just break your heart or the one story that will really make you believe that there can be true love.
I am not talking about the Hollywood true love types. I am talking about genuine true love. Take my parents for example.
They are so different. Their up bringings could not be more different if they tried. Yet, they found each other and have been together for 30 years and counting. That just does not happen anymore.
One day I want to tell their story. I want to start at the beginning and work up until they meet and get married. I think people need to hear it.
I have an aunt and uncle that have also been married for a long time but I am not completely sure of how many years. I believe it is more that 30 though.
As soon as I think I am going to be alone my whole life. When I think that there is not the right man out there for me. I look at my parents and am reminded that everyone has someone that is their soul mate.
Everyone has that one ingredient that makes their hot chocolate just right. (If you do not get the reference, don't worry. It was a theory I made up a few years ago.)
Sunday, November 28, 2010
hmm..
Count some sheep
and catch some ZZZs.
Instead here I am
Wide awake
Writing
and skipping lines
repeatedly
about how I need
to catch some sleep.
Over worked.
Underpaid.
Over tired.
That is how life is these days.
okay so
In other news..
I had probably one of the best thanksgivings ever.
We had everyone over here. By everyone I mean there were 23 people here. My family just keeps growing and growing. I appreciate them more and more every day. I do not get to see them all the time but it is always a good time when I do. As usual we all ate too much. We then proceeded to play football in between the main course and dessert. I managed to score two touch downs. Of course, I think one of them was illegal...but we all cheat. We also never keep score. I was on a team against my mom dad sister and her boyfriend. I played with my cousin, his two kids and my sister's boyfriend's brother-in-law and my aunt/godmother. I think we won. (It helps that the refs were part of the family that I was playing with.) Man, I cannot believe my family did not want me on their team. Psh oh well. I won regardless.
I was bragging to my cousin's son that I got two touch downs. He is ten now and still quite cute. He had to brag back immediately that he got three. Man oh man. I was told off by a 10 year old. It happens.
Well, this study guide on Africa is not going to do itself as much as I wish it would. I need to get back to it. I just wanted to write a little in here.
Now that I have my computer back I will be able to write in here more often again.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Ugh.
That is how I feel.
Comprendo?
I have time to kill so I figure why not write?
I WANT TO GET OUT OF MICHIGAN!
I feel as though the only thing holding me here is my school and my job.
Sure, I love my family and friends.
Sure they will be sad to see me go.
Of course they have a hold on me and I do not want to leave them behind.
However, I feel like I need to.
I need to get out and experience things. I need to go on adventures.
Before I die I want to be able to say that I have seen the entire United States of America. We sure do have some beautiful sites here.
A friend of mine took a road trip this summer over to the west coast. How jealous am I? I wish I could just drop everything for a month long road trip.
Some day I will be able to.
When I am done with Wayne State I will be able to just go.
I will be able to get in my car and just drive.
I do not know where God will take me but he will take me to amazing places.
I feel as though he wants me to be on my own.
Perhaps I will come back home.
Perhaps I just need to go to realize how much I love my family.
They know I do.
I know I do.
I just really really really really really need to go.
I have ants in my pants.
I have been in Michigan for too long.
As soon as I am done seeing the United States I will be off to see England, Germany, Italy, etc.
I definitely want to go see the old concentration camps.
I want to see a play in the Globe theatre.
I want to see a play on Broadway.
Hell, I want to live on Broadway if that is possible.
I know. I know. New York is expensive. Yaddy yaddy yaddah.
However, if God wants me to live there, he will make it happen.
Somehow I will live in New York if that is where I am meant to be.
I have prayed on this numerous times and it seems like I am constantly getting signs that that is where I will end up someday.
Perhaps I am looking too much into it?
Also...
I need to reevaluate my perfect match.
On paper needs to match with reality.
I thought my expectations were good.
I did not think they were too high.
I do not expect a lot.
I just want to be respected as a woman.
I want the be respected as a woman who makes money.
Most of all...
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PAY FOR SOME THINGS!
I want a Christian man. BUT
I do not want a holy roller.
There is a difference.
I see the difference everyday.
Yes, I still plan on flying solo until at least the summer.
I wonder if God wants me to go to Disney in the summer?
I try to be in control of my life.
I try to be in control of my plans.
BUT
God is in control.
He always has been.
This is harder for me to admit than anything thing else.
I know he is in control yet, I want to be the one that is.
I think we have come to an understanding, that guy above and I.
He (somewhat) lets me believe that I am in control. He lets me think that I have my life in my hands.
BUT
I know that he is in control. I just like to believe somedays that I am.
That way,
When something goes wrong...
Or my life does not go as planned...
I do not blame him.
I blame myself and start to reevaluate.
I do not want to get mad at him if things do not go according to plan.
I know that there is a meaning to everything.
I know he has a plan that makes sense to only him.
I just hope I am following along in his plan. I hope I am fulfilling my reason for being on the mostly beautiful planet.
Well I guess I wrote enough non sense for the day.
I hope this blog does not make me seem depressed.
Because
I am not.
I promise.
I will tell you if I am.
Have a great day friends!!!!!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Full memoir: When true love dies
Prologue
Through high school, I corresponded with my friends through various letters. We either passed the notes to each other in the halls or they would be placed carefully through the slots in our lockers. My friend Terrence and I passed notes frequently throughout high school. It was one of the only ways that we were able to keep in touch. Throughout this memoir, there are various letters that I have retyped from the best of my memory. Throughout this memoir, you will be introduced to a very important man in my life. His relationship ceases to exist today. It is his memories that always play in my head like a well-known movie.
Terrence,
From the moment you walked in the door, I knew we were destined to be good friends. I was going to do whatever it took to have you in my life. I did not understand why I needed you in my life. All I knew at that point in time is that I did and that was good enough for me.
From,
Flett
I was in English class. The desks were lined perfectly. There were posters with various grammar rules lining the walls. The far end of the classroom was lined with glass windows. My first thought was that they would be perfect for day-dreaming. When I walked in I found a friend from middle school to sit next to. The side we sat on was lined with cupboards. The teacher’s desk was in the front and off to the side by the windows. There was a television hanging by the door from the wall.
He was tall, dark-skinned, and nice. His personality and humor (as obscene as it was) were contagious. Even though I only knew him from a distance, I could not stop thinking about him. I wanted him in my life and I did not know why. I felt pulled towards him. There was some sort of power he had over me that I could not explain in any logical state of mind. When he sat on the other side of the room, I continued my conversation and pretended as though I could ignore the fact that he was not near me. Being that I was only fourteen at the time, I was in my awkward years. I was shy and nervous around unfamiliar people and situations. When the class period came to an end and I was just about to approach him to introduce myself, my nerves took over. It was going to be harder than I thought to just say hello. At lunch I planned on sitting next to him and talking. However, the only problem with my plan is that he was not in my lunch. I would have to find a way to talk to him in class. I had to find my voice of courage and just get over the first impression stage. I always heard that the first impression was the hardest to get over.
Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed. The end of the first semester was fast approaching. While I got to know him from a distance, I still had not said a word to him other than class discussion. First impressions are the most important. If I did not get it right the first time, I was not sure if I would be able to make a comeback.
As the semester came to an end, I knew I had to make my move and fast. There were no guarantees that I would have a class with him the following semester. This could be my only shot. On the last day of the semester we watched Romeo and Juliet. While watching it, I daydreamed that I was Juliet. Terrence was Romeo. What was I thinking? I barely knew the guy and I was already imagining myself kissing him. This was so dumb. I was jumping the gun. I mentally prepared what I would say to him as the class came to a conclusion. I streamed the words together carefully that they sounded as beautiful as something Shakespeare would compose. It went a little like this:
From the moment you walked in the door on the first day of class, I wanted to get to know you. I wanted to invite you to hang out. I do not know why it took so long but it is better late than never. I only hope that we can get to know each other because I think that we could be pretty good friends.
That day I waited outside the classroom for him to walk out. When I called his name and he turned around, I got butterflies. A feeling I did not know existed until this point. I thought it was a feeling that Hollywood made up to tug on our heartstrings. He walked over to me and the speech I prepared in my head during class disappeared. I needed my thought train to get back on the track. I took a deep breath.
With a mixture of cool and nervousness I asked, “Would you like to talk or something over vacation?”
His answer surprised me. I was ready for rejection. It was a feeling I had come to know all too well. I was prepared for it so it would not hurt as much. If I expected the worse, I could not be disappointed. It was a defense strategy that I have used all my life. He was not any different. I expected him to turn me down just other guys had in the past. I could tell in his eyes that he was different. Without hesitation he agreed. We exchanged screen names for instant messaging. He told me he would be online later that night. I promised I would to my best to be online so that we would be able to talk. I had no words left to express to him. While I wanted to talk to him longer, I did not get the opportunity. The bell rang. It was a reminder that my day had to proceed. I could only hope that my day would be as quick as our short conversation.
We said our good byes and I headed off to my class. I wanted to dance and sing. There was a feeling inside of me that I could not explain. I knew gained a new friend but for some reason it was different with him. The rest of my friends were easy to obtain. I did not wait whole semesters to talk to them. Terrence was different but I did not know why. The rest of the day I had no focus. All I could think about was talking to him. That was all I wanted to do was talk and finally get to know him. Maybe I would be able to figure out what it was about him that drew me in from the very beginning.
Somehow I made it through the day without anyone questioning my peculiar behavior. When I got home from school that day, I was counting down the hours in my head until I would be able to use the family computer. I ate dinner. I did my homework. I talked to my mom a little bit. All the while, I could not stop thinking about when I would be able to talk to Terrence online. This was a breaking point and my plan was slowly starting to work in my favor. When I was able to get online, he was not there. I constantly checked my buddy list in fear that I would miss him signing on. Even with his screen name he was original. No one else I knew would have the courage to spell quiet with a “kw” combination and add an “e” on the end of sky. He had to be the one to be different from the rest. I suppose it was his uniqueness that drew me in.
“Oh kwietskye, where are you?”
While I talked with my other friends, I was getting a little antsy. He promised he would be online so where was he? Just as I was about to sign off out of boredom, he signed on. I rejoiced in my head.
Just as I was coming up with something witty to message him with, his message popped up. Then it occurred to me. He was feeling as awkward as I was. We were both equally nervous to talk to each other. I saw the confidence he had with all the other girls in class but why was I different? When we talked, we realized we had the same taste in music. Being in band, my life revolved around music. With their amazing lyrics and phenomenal instrumentals, we agreed that Linkin Park was probably the best band of the time. They were so innovative that it was near to impossible not to enjoy them. Being that he had a unique personality; it did not surprise me that he could appreciate a band who took so many risks.
We talked for a few hours until I was told to go to bed. We agreed that we would talk again at some point during the vacation. As I slept, I thought deeply about our conversation. I was probably thinking too much into it. He was probably this nice and funny to all the other girls. I probably was not any different. I was just another girl for him to be friends with. Or was I?
We talked every night. Sometimes we would talk for up for 3 hours at a time. We never ran out of things to talk about. While I knew he flirted with any girl who would give him a chance, he really boosted up my self-confidence. As the vacation came to an end, my only fear was that our friendship would cease to exist outside of cyber land. The friendship as we knew it only existed over the Internet. I had no idea how we would interact with each other in reality. I had a feeling it would not exist as such.
I arrived to school early that day. I found Terrence mingling with a group of mutual friends. He greeted me with a smile as soon as I walked up to him. I was overreacting. Our friendship would be able to maintain itself in reality after all. We compared schedules and realized that we shared the same lunch period. Because a majority of our friends had the same lunch period, I knew it was going to be fun. Now all I had to do was to keep myself motivated until lunch.
While my focus was shot, I made it through class as though it was a normal day. In reality I was anxious for lunch. I would be able to visit with all my friends. Most of all, I would be able to spend some time with Terrence. Gym class was boring. Math was okay. Biology was fun. The lunch bell rang and I never ran that fast to the gym. I bobbed and weaved my way through the crowd and made my way through the gym. Through the hallway by the stairs where some of the pop machines were. To the cafeteria. I took a seat with my friends. Terrence was not there. I tried not to seem disappointed and just ate like it did not matter. It did matter though.
I found Terrence sitting alone on the other side of the cafeteria. I excused myself. I fought my way through the busy cafeteria to sit with him. While friends ate together, joked together and talked, it was hard to hear anything anyone had to say. I heard him that day, though. I heard him loud and clear. He wanted to be alone. He did not want anyone to bother him. I refused to leave him alone and ate my lunch in silence. I made it known to him without words that I was there for him. I did not know what he was going through but we had an understanding that day.
I wanted him to open up but I knew he had to do so on his own time. While he asked me to leave, I silently sat, making it known that I was there for him if and when he needed to talk. As the day passed, I prayed that he would figure everything out. If he did not open up to me, I prayed he would find someone to confide in.
That night our friendship took a whole new turn. When I signed online, he was waiting for me. He admitted to me that he had the intention of committing suicide that day after school. I did not know how to react to that statement. I had a friend like him before. I never met someone in real life that could be so depressed. And why was he so sad? He had many friends and everyone knew him in school? He was smart. He was funny. He was there for anyone at any time of the night. I could not understand how somehow who had the world at his hands could be so depressed.
When he realized that he had friends who cared for him, he changed his mind. He saw a good friend in me that day at lunch. He knew that I would always be there for him even when he did not want me there. He also confided in me that he was on medication for his depression but forgot to take his pills before school in the morning. We had a long talk that night and we became closer than we were before. We agreed to talk about it if we were having problems. We would support each other no matter what happened.
The next day I made sure I gave him a quick hug before we departed for the day. We had an understanding that no one else in our group of friends understood. From that day on we confided in each other. I told him everything. He told me everything. Although we only hung out at the lunch table, he was my closest guy friend. We continued talking nightly over instant messenger and our friendship continued to grow.
The next day I invited him to a movie night a mutual friend was having. He promised he would make his best effort. I gave him directions. I prayed that he would be there so I would be able to spend more time with him.
I arrived before a majority of the crowd. In the living room, there were two big couches in an “L” shape. They were black and very comfortable. I waited patiently for him to walk through the front door. I was more nervous than I could have expected. When he walked in the door his smile lit up t he dimly lit room. I stood up to greet him. He sat next to me while we waited for others to arrive. Nerves radiated through my body while he sat next to me. I remained calm and cool while we visited with all of our friends.
In reality we did not watch movies. The name was given for the sanity of our parents and guardians. We usually played spin the bottle, truth or dare, or sat around and talked. It was my hope that we would play spin the bottle and he would land on me. I did not know why I wanted to kiss him so bad. He was just a really good friend. I needed to verify that. I needed to know in my mind that Terrence and I were just friends. I needed to know if there was any way there would be chemistry between us.
We played truth or dare. The bottle was spinning and spinning. Yet, with every spin it landed on everyone except me. I saw Terrence kissing all these other girls. While I knew it was just a game I could not help but get jealous. I was not paying attention when it happened. Somehow Terrence spun the old glass Coke bottle and it landed on me. I am pretty sure that someone rigged it just a bit but that is still to be determined to this day. He leaned over to me and I took a deep breath. He got closer and closer to me. Before I knew it our lips met for the first time. As our lips brushed quickly, my world stopped for a minute. It was sweet. It was awkward. It was practically perfect. It did not matter that everyone was watching. My world was spinning and I could not help but smile after. I was told that I was blushing as red as the label on the Coke bottle that night. Sure, our friends teased me for blushing so much. I did not care, though. I just had my first kiss from the one guy who was always on my mind. For the rest of the night the kiss was all I could think about. Maybe I needed him in my life for reasons I had been ignoring all year. I just wished at that moment he would clue me in. I just wished I was better at reading his emotions. This was the first time in a long time that I was unable to read him. He was blocking those emotions away from me and I did not like it.
He avoided me for a week.
That was the worse week of my life. Without Terrence, I felt empty inside. He was the one person in the world that made me feel complete. I needed him in my life. I knew that, whether he admitted it or not, he also needed me in his.
Terrence,
I wish I knew what was going on with you. You promised you would always let me in. You promised to tell me everything. Why are you blocking me out? It feels like you are ignoring me. Please let me back in. You know how to get a hold of me.
From,
Flett
I did not know why he was avoiding me but he was. During lunch he sat at our table but did not talk to me. He talked to everyone else. I had some ideas as of why he was avoiding me but I had no way to prove any of them. I needed to corner him and figure out what I did wrong. This was the start of the complicated friendship we would continue to have until the end. While I would be able to move on and possibly find a new close guy friend, I was unsure if he would be able to do the same. I was worried that he would try to hurt himself. While he was pushing me away, I could only hope that he still had someone he could confide in.
At the end of the week, I was able to confront him. I expressed my worries that he was blocking me out. Our first fight. The way we argued and fought, you would think we were actually together. Our friends always teased me about this. We talked out everything that happened since last time we talked. He wanted to push me away because he did not know how to turn me down. He thought if I got mad enough, I would not want him in my life anymore. He did not want to ruin the friendship that we had. He told me with everything good we had going on; one bad thing could ruin it all. I agreed. If I could not have his romantically, I did not want to lose him as a friend. His friendship meant too much to me. To lose it would be nothing less than devastating. He promised me we would talk if anything else came up. We would not block each other out. We would share everything and be nothing but honest with each other. That was fair enough for me.
Flett,
I am sorry I tried to push you away this week. I am glad that it did not work. I like having you around. You tell me how it is, even when I do not want to hear it. Thank you for resisting my resistance. I will see you around.
-Terrence
As the summer approached, I knew I was going to be very busy. There was church, tennis, and band. Somewhere in there I would fit time in for friends. Being that most of my friends were involved in band and/or tennis in some way it would not be too difficult. Terrence was not involved in either. It was proven that we did not have to see each other every day to remain close. I knew we would be able to talk online at least a few times a week. There were also weekly movie nights that we would be able to hang out at. I still wanted Terrence to myself. I wanted to hang out with just him. The power he had over me was strong. As it goes, with the endless games of spin the bottle, we never kissed again. It was as though a greater power was preventing us from doing so. I was okay with that. If I could not have Terrence as a friend I would be devastated. I knew someday I would have to watch him date some girl. I would probably not like her. I would probably be jealous. I would get over it however. I would support him just like he supported me when I thought I could not make it on the tennis team. He encouraged me to try out for soccer. When I did not make the team, he was there for a shoulder to cry on. With Terrence by my side, life was good.
As the semester concluded, I knew things between us may shift. Without seeing each other every day our friendship would either strengthen or weaken. I knew we would still talk over instant messenger daily. We would keep in contact. We would be able to see each other at movie nights. That would be the extent of our friendship though. It would cease to exist outside of the internet and our group of friends. I had to remind myself that it was only three months. If we could not manage only seeing each other for small amounts of time in three months, then our friendship needed serious work.
That was one of the best summers I had in a very long time. There were movie nights a few times a week. With school not in session we hung out every day. Terrence came to the movie nights on a weekly basis. When he was there I could not help but smile. While it had the possibilities of involving into something down the line, it was just a friendship at the moment. Neither of us was interested in trying anything romantic. Friendship was too inviolable to risk. As I had predicted, the summer was busy. It was not as busy as I had assumed it would be though. Tennis and band took up a lot of my time. However, I still had a lot of time to spend with m cousin when I was not doing one of the above. There was driver’s training that summer. I enrolled with a friend of mine. Our parents took turns driving and/or picking us up. Before I knew it I would be a licensed driver. Although I had more time to spend with friends, Terrence limited his hang out time to movie nights. If I wanted to see him I had to make an appearance. Week after week passed. The summer ended as soon as it started. I was ready to be in 10th grade. I was ready to start a new school year with all the friends I made the previous school year.
Ah yes, this was going to be the year. Terrence and I would get more serious. Maybe he would see me the same way I saw him. Oh how I wanted him to see me as more than a friend so bad. The first semester had commenced and we had no classes together. We also did not share the same lunch period. Our friendship would have to maintain itself over instant messenger and the brief moments before school. He stopped going to movie nights when he befriended Alan. Alan was a nice guy who had a sense of humor similar to that of Terrence. They hung out every day. I knew Terrence would have friends other than me but I felt like I was being replaced. Our conversations became minimal. We had only been friends for a year. Yet it already seemed like we were becoming mere acquaintances.
I had to get him to notice me again. I needed him in my life. There was a problem though. Other girls were starting notice him. He was starting to notice them.
Within the first few weeks of sophomore year, he was talking to a girl a grade below us. He told me he really liked her and wanted to see if anything could be. I supported him in mind but my heard forced him away. We were growing farther apart. The strong bond he had the previous year became weaker by the day. We talked online every night but it no longer felt the same.
A few weeks had passed and I could tell our friendship had diminished itself. When I approached him in the morning to talk, she was always there. His girlfriend. Amber. As nice as she was, I would never like her. She had the one person I wanted. He was my first love and now she had him. What was it about her that intoxicated him? They started attending movie nights regularly as a couple. Day after day I saw them grow closer. I saw their love grow. I was lonely. I lost my closest guy friend. I was mad. I was mad at him for acting like he did not care about me. I knew deep down he had feelings for me. Why was he fighting them? I was mad at myself for giving him so much space. I tried so hard to keep him close yet in the process I pushed him away. She would never understand him like I did. I hope she knew about his depression. I hoped that she would be there for him in case he had a downfall. But most of all I hoped that she really appreciated the great guy that she had.
Their relationship lasted the first semester. When they did not have a class together, it was harder for them to maintain. They had time to hang out outside of school but I saw them growing apart. I wanted them to stay together because she made Terrence happy. I also wanted them to break up so he would come back to me. I would be there with a shoulder for him to cry on when it happened.
She broke up with him. As I had predicted, he was there. He needed my comfort. He needed a shoulder to cry on. I made sure he stayed on his medication. I could not let him slip now. He was too important in my life to slip away.
The next day he was a little distant. He had a far off look in his eyes. While we our friendship remained strong, there was something on his mind. He was closing me out without even trying. There were emotions that he could not express. He could not find the words for how he was feeling. I knew he was struggling with depression but he promised me he would stay on his medication. Somehow, in the back of my mind I knew he forgot to take them that day. I would not leave his side. I would not let him be alone.
I knew that he would not do anything as long as I was with him. I knew that he did not want to hurt me. He knew that by hurting himself, he would be hurting me. That day after school we hung out. He came over my house. We sat on the porch and talked. He confessed that he did not take his medication. He admitted that without Amber he felt empty. He really liked her and when she broke up with him he was weak. He once again realized that I would always be at his side when he was down.
We talked for hours that night. It was the first real conversation we had since school had started. We promised each other that we would not push each other away. While it prevents anyone from hurting us, we knew we had to let people in. I knew in my heart that I could never hurt him. I needed him in my life. In the past three months, when I thought I lost him, I felt lost. I felt incomplete. We were going to have to work at this friendship we had. No one would understand the intensity of our friendship.
When he left for the night we hugged. He embraced me so tight that I could feel his body quivering under mine. He was depressed but he would do whatever it took to fight it.
I could not fight my romantic feelings for him. I was a coward though. I knew he would reject me like all the other guys did. I wanted to be in a relationship with him. I would have done whatever it took. When he started dating a close friend of mine I got upset. I did not understand their relationships. Despite our promise to confide in each other, jealousy took over. Life became awkward. I did not know how to react around him. I wanted to support him. I wanted him to be happy. Yet, I wanted him to be with me. I was the person who was always there for him. I would be the one that would piece him back together when his heart broke. I knew I was always in the back of him mind. I knew that we were still close. I also did not understand what they had that I didn’t.
I figured it out soon enough. They were offering the one thing to him that I would not give up. I promised myself at an early age that I would not have sex until marriage. Those girls did not make that promise. Those girls were giving Terrence what he wanted. If that is what he wanted in a relationship, I knew we were better off as friends.
I had to pretend like it did not hurt. I had to pretend as though I did not care that I was still single while he was dating one of my closest friends. When the relationship ended, I felt relieved. I knew he would find someone else to date but all that mattered was the here and now.
The semester ended. The summer flew by. We were halfway done with high school. In the back of my mind I knew that Terrence and I belonged together. Yet, he constantly reminded me that he just saw me as a friend. While I would always have feelings for him in the back of my heart, I had to push them away. I had to pretend that I did not care that he was not interested. I wanted to make him jealous. Somehow I thought that if I made him jealous he would come after me.
I started forming a crush on another guy friend. In August, in the end of the summer, he asked me out. Without hesitation I agreed. I was happy. I would be able to get Terrence out of my mind. I had someone else to share time with. Skibbe was perfect. He was nice, funny, and Christian. He would go to church with me on a weekly basis. We hung out every day. He took me to the school dance in October. He gave me massages. We could talk freely about anything. Yet, in my mind there was something different about him. I could not put my finger on it. There was something off about it.
We dated for three months. He broke up with me in a letter that he passed to me when we departed for the day.
Dana,
I am sorry I had to do it like this. You have been great these past few months. I do not want to lead you on anymore. I do not feel like we have a connection anymore. I hate to do this in a letter but it is probably my safest bet. I hope we can still be friends.
-Skibbe
A few days later the rumor was that he asked someone else out. He had moved on. He moved on to a guy. He was coming out of the closet. When I asked him about it, he would not confirm it. He was not ready to come out of the closet yet. That feeling I had with him that did not feel right made sense. It is hard to truly love someone when they have eyes on someone or something else. I would move on. I would move on from Terrence and from Skibbe. I did not need either of them in my life in that way. I just needed them to be friends. It would be hard but I would manage.
The next two years flew by without any incidents. While Terrence dated a few more girls, I decided I was going to finish up high school single. I needed to focus my energy and motivation to my school work. I had a lot of guy friends who I would not have traded for anything. He found one girl who he confessed he was falling in love with. She was a grade older than us. She had never been anything other than nice to anyone. She had bright red hair and blue eyes. She was the perfect type for Terrence. While I did not talk to him as much in the end of high school, we did not need to. We had an understanding that went without words. He spent all his free time with him. I felt as though it was a whole new Terrence. He was so happy with her. I knew that if they ever broke up he would be devastated.
When senior year approached, I reflected on my time in high school. I knew that I would not have made it through high school without Terrence. He was my sanity and one of my best friends. Towards the end of the year, my parents were out of town one weekend.
He broke it off with his girlfriend when she left for college. They did not feel that they would make it through with her being away for so long. It was a mutual break-up but I could still tell that he was upset. I invited Terrence and a few other people over to hang out and watch some movies. It ended up only being me, Terrence and a girl friend of mine who lived around the block. He sat around in the living room and talked. It was nice. It was relaxing. She had to leave a little early to babysit her kid brother. I was sitting on the couch when he approached me. I gasped. I had a feeling of what was going to happen but I did not know for sure. He sat next to me and pulled me into him. I kissed him slowly.
He smiled and said, “You are a good kisser. Have you been practicing?”
“No,” I confessed, “Maybe I am just a natural.”
We kissed for a while. He pushed me onto the couch and lay on top of me. He slowly followed the curves of my body with his fingers. This was a moment I had been waiting for since freshman year and he did not let me down. All the feelings I had for him from the very beginning began to rush back. My head was cloudy. When we were done, we watched television and held hands. This was perfect. I could not wait to see what the future could bring us. When he left he promised we would talk later. My world was spinning. I only wished sooner would come immediately.
When he signed online that night, it was different. I knew he had been with other girls but I thought he wanted to be with me. We talked about what happened earlier.
He let me down.
He told me he just wanted to be friends. Although that day was fun, he confessed he just wanted to know if there could be sparks between us. I was mad at him. I was mad at myself. I would not let another man take advantage of me again. I would not let him hurt me again. I would not let any other man hurt me again. As senior year came to an end, our conversation was minimal. I did not know how to react around him. I did not want to let him into my life emotionally. I was blocking him out as much as I could. I was pushing him away. Senior year ended and it was graduation day.
I wrote a brief message in his yearbook that he would be able to read whenever he was feeling blue.
Terrence,
You need to figure out what you want before you come back to me. I can no longer play your games. When you know what you want I will be here. Until then, I wish you the best of luck in everything you go for. You are very smart and the world is yours. Do not forget to call someone when you are starting to feel depressed. There are a lot of people that care for you here. You always have someone you can go to for support.
Your friend always,
Dana
I heard from a lot of people that when high school is over, you will not stay in touch with all of the friends you had made. While I knew that was true, I had a list of people in my head that I knew would still be around. Terrence was top on the list. I had a feeling that no matter what happened; we would remain close friends after school. With the close friendship we formed over the four years of high school, I could not possibly imagine my life without him.
When summer approached we barely talked. I spent my summer working. He spent his summer with Alan playing video games.
That summer flew by and it was time for me to enter to adult world. I would be attending college in the fall. My plans included becoming the next big journalist. Terrence was working at attending community college. Our talks grew minimal. We hung out rarely over the next few years. We were growing apart yet, the strong bond we had kept us together. When he joined the air force it was near to impossible to keep in touch. I knew someday we would be close again. All I knew was that that day could not come soon enough.
I did not know it then but it would be a year until I would make contact with Terrence. In that year I would manage to find a boyfriend who says he loved me. I tried to be happy with him. I tried to tell myself that life was better off this way. If I was not with Terrence then it was not meant to be. God was pushing us away. All in the while he was pushing me towards my boyfriend.
I prayed everyday that Terrence was managing his depression. I prayed that he was staying on his medications and he found something worth living for. If I was not worth his time, I could only hope that someone was. I could only hope that he was remaining strong.
I heard from mutual friends that he was talking to a girl that we went to high school with. Her name was Amber. I always liked her. She was a very nice girl. From what I could tell they were perfect together. She understood him in a way that I used to. While she took over my role of being the best friend, it did not matter any longer. I had a boyfriend. He had a girlfriend.
While our friendship fell apart I knew that he would always care about me. I would always care about him. Terrence was my first true love.
That year with that boy was not as magical as it should have been. I loved him with all my heart. As much as I wanted Terrence to be the only I gave myself to, it was not. It was the guy that I dated to help get my mind off of Terrence.
A year had passed and the boy and I broke it off. He is not significant in my life any longer. I learned a lot from that relationship. My biggest lesson learned was how I should be treated. I also came to the realization that I really missed Terrence. I thought in high school that a week without him was unbearable. I did not know at the time that I would have to manage a year without him.
We did not hate each other. We were not mad at each other this time. For once we were not talking just out of inconvenience. It was the first time in our relationship that the lack of contact was unintended. I knew I had to get in touch with him. I missed him more than anyone knew.
It was out of spontaneity that we were able to get back in contact. I signed onto instant messenger one later night after work. I was surprised to see his screen name. I quickly opened his chat window and messaged him. While I waited for his reply I played Solitaire and browsed through other profiles. Five minutes goes really slow when you are waiting for a reply. I vaguely remember that conversation to this day. I do remember how good it felt to have Terrence back in my life. It felt like we never stopped talking. We picked up from where we left off.
When he told me he would be on leave for a few weeks my stomach turned. It was a mixture of happiness and confusion. It was very uncomfortable. I wanted him in my life but at the same time I was not sure if that would be a good idea. I knew how I felt about him. But I also knew that if he did not feel the same way, I would be heart-broken. We would probably get into a fight. Our friendship would cease to exist without shared emotions.
I tried to get him out of my life and move on with my boyfriend. As soon as that did not work I knew that I needed him around. We did not chat for very long that night. It was the quality of the conversation that mattered. It quantity of time was irrelevant. We exchanged cell phone numbers. In the year that we did not talk, I deleted his number. I assumed he was out of my life for good. Why did I need a number that I would most likely never call again?
For the next week we would talk every day. I told him everything that was going on in my life. He kept me updated as to what was going on in his. Our relationship had formed itself back into what we had while we were in high school. While I lost my first love, I regained the best friend anyone could ask for.
We were also flirting. It is true that Terrence would flirt with any girl that would give him a chance. That was just him. He liked to make girls feel good about themselves without any pressure. In the back of my mind I knew I was just another girl in his game of love. I knew his advances meant nothing.
In my heart I wanted to believe that this time was different. I wanted to believe that we may have a chance. He confirmed my emotions with a message. It was the message that would end our relationship.
He asked if there was a chance that we would be able to spend some alone time together. He wanted to spend time with just me. He wanted to see if there could be anything beyond a friendship.
“Really Terrence,” I thought to myself, “We have been friends for years. NOW you want to see if anything could be? What took you do damn long?”
I told him that alone time seemed like a good idea. Of course I wanted alone time with him. He did not know it and I did not know it at the time but I loved him. I thought about him every day when he was away. I thought about him every minute when he was home. For seven years he was always on my mind.
My life revolved around work, church, and school. I rarely got a chance to stop and smell the roses. The first chance I got, I invited Terrence to the local bar my friends had been attending for years. I knew what his answer would be. I knew he would try his hardest to spend time with him. I also knew we needed to find a way to spend time alone. It would be harder than I thought.
That night when I got to the bar I knew it was going to be a different night. The air felt perfect. The flowers looked more beautiful. The sky was clear. This would be the night that Terrence and I would reunite. As the Black Eyed Peas say, “I got a feelin’ that tonight’s gonna be a good good night.”
I sat with my friends. I tried to act normal. I was fighting my feelings for Terrence with every bone in my body. I waited for him to walk through the door of the bar. As my friends talked I did not hear them. I was daydreaming about the conversation I would have with Terrence. I looked at the door each and every time it opened.
Ten minutes passed. With so many people entering the bar, I was beginning to lose hope. “He is not going to come,” I told myself. Finally the door opened. I told myself I was not going to look. I told myself it was not him. Somehow my head turned. I guess I turned it even without the willingness to do so.
Before he made it to the bar, I confessed to a friend that he had a reputation to be a player. I was not sure what made me invite him to the bar but I knew I wanted to see him. Even in my speech I could feel myself lying. While my friend did not catch onto it, I knew there was no truth in that statement. While he had a reputation to be a player, I knew in my heart that he had changed.
He walked in the door. His dark skin almost blended in with the dimly lit bar. With him walked in Alan and their friend Phillip. “So much for alone time,” I thought to myself. Before I had a chance to wave him down he found me. There were the butterflies. He walked up to me. We embraced. It was the tightest hug in the world. It was as though he thought he lost me. We thought we had lost each other. Things were good now. Life was good. In a world of complete chaos we managed to find each other again.
He sat next to me. His friends sat next to them. My friends were next to me. We ordered drinks and were ready to see what this night would bring us. When I stood up to sing a song on the karaoke machine, I saw him watching me intently. His eyes did not leave me. His friends were talking to him. He was replying but his eyes were on me. My eyes were on him.
As I sat back down I felt intensity from him that I had not felt before. I felt him smiling. Under the table our fingers intertwined. “Could this really be,” I asked myself. I waited for this for seven years. It was a long seven years. It was seven years of constant arguing and making up.
When he let go of my hand I was confused. I was disappointed. There were too many emotions running through my head at once. How on Earth is he letting me go already? We were finally in a good place. We were getting along and things were looking up for us. I knew he wanted to be with me. He did not confess his feelings but I knew him. I knew what he was thinking at that moment.
In a brief second as emotions overtook me he asked me if I wanted to play a game. He managed to whisper in the overcrowded bar.
“What game are you talking about,” I asked.
“It is called brave or chicken,” he said.
“Well I have not heard of it so how does it go,” I questioned flirtatiously.
“It goes like this. I put my hand on your leg,” as he explained the game he demonstrated the moves, “I ask brave or chicken. You say brave and I move a little further. You say chicken and it is all over.”
I smiled shyly. I guess I had not lost him after all. He placed his hand just below my knee. “Brave,” I replied.
He moved his hand to my knee. “Brave,” I smiled.
He moved his hand just above my knee. “Brave,” I said.
He moved his hand up my inner thigh. I took a gasp. His touch was so loving. It felt good to be touched by a man that I loved. “Chicken,” I admitted.
He smiled but left his hand there. He massaged my inner thigh slowly under the table. It was our dirty little secret. I smiled. He smiled. It was the spin-the-bottle scene all over again. In a room, crowded by our friends, it felt like we were alone. It felt as though nothing mattered.
We were only at the bar for about an hour after that perfect moment. His friends had left, leaving Terrence without a ride. In the back of my mind I knew that was planned. I knew he set it up. I was walking out to my car when he ran to catch my attention. When I felt his hand on my shoulder I turned around immediately.
He asked for a ride. Without hesitation and without asking where his friends were, I agreed. He got into my car. With my radio playing in the background, he guided me to his aunt’s house. I barely remember that conversation.
To this day bits and pieces of it replay in my head like a c.d. on repeat. I remember him commenting on how sad a song is. It was “Because I got high” by Afroman.
“I messed up my entire life cause I got high
I lost my kids and wife cause I got high
now I’m sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why
‘cause I was high (repeat 3x)”
That is just one of the verses of the song. It is not funny if you really pay attention to it. This guy messed up his life because he could not stay off of drugs. It was not until he dissected it like that that I thought of it was a really sad song. To this day I cannot listen to it without it bringing a tear to my eye. Part of it has to do with the message behind it. The other part has to do with that being the last song I would ever listen to with Terrence.
Before I knew it, I was pulling into a trailer park where his aunt resided and where he was staying while he was home. I pulled up to the trailer. I put my car in park. He leaned over to me. Without thinking about it I leaned into him.
Thoughts were washing over me. My brain was a soupy mess of emotions and confusion. I wanted to kiss him more than we both knew. I wanted to be with him for reasons that made sense only to me.
We kissed. All of the good memories I made with him over the years came back to me. Our lips brushed against each other softly. It did not matter that my car was running. It did not matter that I was losing gas with each breath we shared. We explored each other’s bodies slowly. I wanted him more than ever that night. Something made me stop. To this day I am not sure why I stopped.
I broke the kiss and we said good night. I watched him walk into the trailer. As he walked away I could only hope that he would run back. He waved good night just before he walked into the door. That would be the last time that I would see my first love. I sat in my car for a minute. I needed to take in everything that just happened. I drove around the trailer park in attempt to make my way home. I found the main road but in an instant turned away from it. I wanted to spend more time with Terrence.
In an attempt to relocate the trailer I drove around in circles for ten minutes. I wanted to see him. The plan was to find the trailer, call him, and ask him to come outside. When he came outside we would embrace. We would kiss. It would be a Hollywood moment. I had probably seen a moment like this in a movie. Hollywood sure did know how to make a girl sappy.
I did not find the trailer. I turned onto the main road. My heart turned off and my brain turned on. As much as I wanted to be with Terrence, I was afraid it would never work. I knew him too well. I had seen him push people away in the past. Hell, he even pushed me away in the past. In all fairness to him, I pushed him away as well.
At the first sign of a red light I pulled out my phone and called him. He answered on the second ring. It was as though he was expecting my call.
“Hey Flett, what’s up,” he answered.
“I do not think this is going to work,” I confessed.
“What do you mean? I thought we were on the same page,” he replied in confusion.
“Terrence, you are going back soon to do your air force thing. There will be plenty of girls for you to kiss over there,” I replied.
There was dead air. He hung up on me. This is not a decision I regret to this day. I know that in time we would have worked things out. We would have dated and been happy. At that point in time though, the timing was off. We both had a lot going on in our lives.
He would only be in town for a week longer. I wanted to talk to him but I couldn’t. I was out of words with him. I had nothing left to say. My mind overtook my heart and I could not take it back.
At the time I regretted it. I had one chance to be with the man that I thought about constantly for seven years. I never knew if I would get another chance with him. Work overtook my life once again. I was able to get my mind off of Terrence.
The week was coming to an end. I got home from work after a ten hour shift. My brain was already sleeping. I dragged myself up the fifteen steps to my bedroom. Out of habit, I turned on my laptop and waited for it to load. I felt myself dozing off as it booted up. I took a quick shower.
When I returned to my laptop, there was a message waiting for me from Terrence.
Kwietskye: So, this is how it’s going to be?
EvilLaughterHah: I do not know what to say to you anymore.
Kwietskye: You are just not going to talk to me?
EvilLaughterHah: Sorry Terrence I think it is better off this way.
Kwietskye: I do not even know why I bothered.
EvilLaughterHah: Have a nice life!
With that he signed off. I wanted to be sad that I lost such a good friend. I could not find it in my heart. He made me so mad. I just wanted him out of my life once and for all. I went to bed relieved. My life would finally be drama free. I would not have to live day after day wondering if Terrence and I would get along or if we would get into an argument.
Two days later and my world turned upside down. Yet again I got home from work and powered up my computer. I immediately started my instant messaging program. Within seconds, I had a message from a mutual friend of mine and Terrence’s.
Pixiesrockonice: Have you talked to Terrence recently?
EvilLaughterHah: No, I have not talked to him for a few days, why?
Pixierocksonice: Tabby was talking to him earlier. He said he wanted to end his life. She has tried calling him but his phone is off.
EvilLaughterHah: I will try calling him. If I get ahold of him I will let you know.
I signed off of instant messenger immediately. As I had expected his phone went right to voicemail.
“He is probably just ignoring me. He is probably still mad at me,” I tried to convince myself.
I tossed and turned all night that night. The worse possible scenario kept running through my head. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I push him away when he needed me the most? He tried telling me that yet I did not hear him that night. I did not read between the lines as I had so many times before in the past. I wish I could take but what I said to him but it was already done.
When I did fall asleep, I was not asleep for long. I was awake in the matter of just a few hours. It felt like eternity. I was wide awake and ready to start my day. In the back of my mind I knew something was wrong. I could not place my finger directly on it. I knew though that something was off. I told my mom about the conversation I had last night. I also expressed my worries that Terrence could be dead. She assured me that everything would work out for the best. The next few hours all I could do was hope for the best.
I had to work that day. My shift started at four. I was getting ready to start when my worries were confirmed. I received a phone call that I was subconsciously waiting for all day. It was from a mutual friend. He began telling me what happened, but I was already expecting the worse.
Terrence was found dead July 14th, 2008. He was found in the backyard of this aunt’s trailer. He put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Before he did, he changed his online profile name to flat line. He left a suicide note on his journal online. It read:
So I said I would finally get started it on it.
Well here it is. I started this on 15 JAN 08 @ 2330.
Eh I don't know how where to begin.
Well I assume the biggest question is why?
Why would I do this, I never seem like the person the would
or for those that do know me, why would I try again.
Yes, thats correct.
This isn't my first attempt at this,
well I guess you really wouldn't call this an attempt.
Because if you're reading this I actually succeeded.
But going back to the question.
Why?
I don't deserve to live.
I can't go on living.
I just don't have the strength to continue on.
I mean there is so much I want to talk about and its going to be scattered all over this letter.
Hence why I'm writing it ahead of time.
I mean how can I sit around depressed all day when I'm in good health
Have all my limbs, have all my senses
I have a good job and maybe a few people who care about me?
I don't fucking know.
I'm weak, I don't deserve the right to pass on my genes.
And to whoever says suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem is a fucking moron.
Well in my case anyways. I don't call 11+ years of my life a temporary problem.
There has not been a day that has passed since my father died,
that I have not thought about killing myself.
I mean why not?
It's going to put an end to all the pain and suffering
I feel like an empty shell walking around
I don't care about anything anymore.
The only goal in mind for me is to get a car and buy a gun to shoot myself.
But you guys already know that.
I'm only doing the bullshit meaningless tasks in between to get where I need to be.
Mostly I just need money.
Alex, why.
Alexandria ] Why?
Where were you when I needed you?
I know I fucked up.
But you didn't have to change the way you did.
Its all my fault.
All my fault.
If I has never cheated on you in the first place
we probably would have never broken up
I would have never joined the Air Force
I would have never felt the worst pain in my life.
We would have been happily ever after.
But I fucked it up.
And I caused you to change
Into the monster you are now
I'm so sorry.
I'm so fucking sorry.
I don't know any other way to put it.
I don't know any other way to show it.
I had a song written and published for you.
But that couldn't even say how sorry I am.
I'm sorry that I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be
I protected you from everyone but one person.
Myself.
I'm my own worst enemy, etc, etc.
Oh and if I kill myself before I get a will completed.
I want to be cremated and my ashes dumped in Lake Michigan.
No I don't want to be buried.
And I don't want any boo-hoo ceremony.
I'm not suffering anymore (hey I'm agnostic remember)
so it will be okay.
life goes on NO MATTER WHAT
all my shit? Give it to Alan.
I'm sure he'd enjoy it.
I guess you can remember me by this or whatever.
And suicide is not selfish.
I've been through the pros and the cons.
update: 14 JUL 08
I went and seen mental health.
They want me to go on meds.
i don’t think the shit will work but whatever
I’m giving it a chance
and if this doesn’t work
I’m out of here.
And guess what.
It didn't work.
So now I sit here.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I emailed Alex my password for my live journal.
You're going to have to crack the private one to really see what I was going through.
The last few weeks at home were ok at best
I have no life to come back to.
People see me as such a shining star
But I don't understand how much a shining star could be so dark on the inside.
........Just remember.....
I'm in a better place now.
See you guys in the next life.
Maybe I'll get it right then.
He was not discovered until he was not at the airport to go back to Virginia. He killed himself sometime around eleven and midnight the night before. He was scheduled to be on the plane around three that day. While it did not all add up I was in shock. I could not believe he was gone. He had been strong for so long. As far as I knew he was staying on his anti depressants while he was in Virginia. The letter proved me wrong. He went off his medication too long ago.
My entire world was turned upside down. I asked my boss to be excused from work. I knew I would not be able to focus. How would I manage my life without him there for comfort? I got so used to having him around that I took him for granted. My last words with him ring in my head constantly as an evil reminder. We ended our friendship as it was throughout its entirety.
I went over to a mutual friend’s house that day when I got home. We sat on her porch and reminisced all our good memories with him. He wanted us to be happy. He wanted us to be strong.
As much as I wanted to cry, I couldn’t. I was never able to cry when someone I loved died. I only cried at stupid things that did not even matter. I would cry in movies without a problem. This was different I could not cry. What was wrong with me? Why could I not cry when my heart was broken? To this day, I still do not cry at funerals.
How could he have been so depressed? How come he did not share it with anyone? Why did he feel like he needed to take care of himself? These thoughts overtook my mind. Nothing made sense anymore. In the matter of a second my world fell apart. My first true love died and I never had a chance to tell him how much I truly cared about him. I promised myself that from this day forward, I would never end a day on a negative note. All of my relationships would end on a positive note. I would no longer take life for granted.
“I can get through this. We were not even friends anymore,” I thought to myself, “It is not going to be hard but I can do it.”
The next few days were harder to get through than I thought. I knew I would never have a chance to spend another moment with him. I spent a year not talking to him. We survived a year without communication. Now I would have to spend an eternity.
Somehow I would have to find someone that could be of equivalence. I knew in my heart that I would never be able to replace Terrence. He was one of a kind. He had a way to make me smile that no guy had quite mastered. He always knew just what to say to make even my worse days my best.
I went on life with a fake smile on my face. I pretended to be happy. I wasn’t. A piece of me died when he pulled that trigger. When he ended his life he ended a part of me as well. He broke my heart in attempt to overcome his depression.
The day of the funeral came. I did not wear black. I found the brightest outfit and found my dress boots. I put together an outfit that he would have appreciated. As I got dressed I thought in my head of all the comments he would have made about my outfit.
I drove with a mutual friend to the funeral. I did not have the strength to drive. With everything going through my head all at once, it would have been just my luck that I would crash into someone or something.
Despite his wishes, his family held a formal funeral for him. They would not pay to have him cremated because the air force would not pay for it. His aunts did not have the funds to pay for a proper funeral.
His cousin called all the numbers in his phone to pass on the message that the funeral was set. I knew she was upset. She talked so fast that I could barely understand any of the message. I wrote down as much of it that I could understand. I was able to retain the rest of the message from friends.
The funeral was at a small church. As I was walking in I felt like I was in high school again. Terrence’s funeral was a mini high school reunion. All of the familiar faces crowded the little white church. The church was so bright but the darkness of emotion overtook it. The white walls and bright blue floors did not help the sadness that flooded the church that day.
Throughout high school, Terrence was a chameleon. He adapted to his surroundings. He made friends with every group possible. Everyone at the school knew him. There were two sides of pews. Each side had 10 rows that could fit about 10 people each. There were only a few empty seats by the time everyone had arrived.
On the left side of the church sat former classmates. It was the side filled with people we went to high school with. Everyone got a chance to walk up to the casket to pay their respects. I was shocked and mortified that his casket was open. With his death being as gruesome as it was, I did not expect the chance to be able to see him again.
His face was carefully pieced back together. It was as if he was just taking a nap. It was eerie. I wanted to cry when I saw him in the casket. I couldn’t. I tried to cry but I couldn’t. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me. I knew I was sad. Why couldn’t I cry and express my emotions?
I walked back to my seat while maintaining my composure. All of our friends had to support each other. I barely remember the actual service. I wanted to block it out of my memory. I did not want to believe that I was actually at Terrence’s funeral. I thought that if I blocked it out of my memory long enough that I could reverse it. If I ignored it, he would miraculously come back to life and things would be good.
I remember the casket being closed in a hurry right after his aunt lost control of herself in emotion. She was overreacting. She could care less about Terrence. We all knew it. What we did not know at the time was that the embalming fluid started to fail. His perfectly restructured face fell apart.
I also remember people going up front to talking. I remember seeing Alan walk up there as expected. I saw the girl he was talking to walk up there. I saw his ex girlfriend talk briefly. What confused me the most was a black girl that walked up to talk. She claimed to be his girlfriend.
In an instant, the left side of the room was filled with confusion. One thing about Terrence that everyone knew was that he did not date black girls. He dated white girls. He was the whitest black boy I knew. He conformed to the white life style. On the outside he looked black but did not adapt to the life style. He pushed away from it as much as he could.
The only thing that made sense at the time was that she was the girlfriend the family accepted. The truth would come out later that she was a compulsive liar. She also claimed to be pregnant with Terrence’s baby.
Terrence was not the first guy who she claimed to have dated in the air force. She was notorious for doing this exact thing to guys all over the air force. I do not remember the exact number but there were three or four other men who she tried to claim as her boyfriend.
There was an official of the air force who listed all of Terrence’s accomplishments in the short amount of time that he was in Virginia. The list was long and extensive. I cannot remember all of the accomplishments word for word. Half of them did not even make sense to me. They sounded impressive though. That was all that mattered.
The funeral procession was the longest I have ever seen. The line stretched a mile long. Other cars continuously merged into the processions as though they knew Terrence. I felt myself getting annoyed.
“Who do they think they are? Do not they not realize that we are in the middle of a funeral procession? Why are they cutting us off,” I thought out loud.
My friend just shrugged his shoulders and continued to drive. I laughed a little to myself when we turned next to a Hooter’s. Another quarter mile and we were pulling into the cemetery. When we parked we found friends and walked to a gazebo where his aunts were already sitting.
The rest of the day is a little of a blur. There were trumpeters playing taps. There were three gun men off to the side shooting of shots. I knew they were trained but it made me jump. It was the typical government funeral that I had only ever seen in movies. As his aunt received his flag, she burst into tears.
Tears were being shed around me. All of my friends were sad. They all knew they had to be strong. I would be the one strong person in the group. If Terrence wanted us to be happy instead of sad, I would be the one person who would do it.
Getting over Terrence would be a hard task. I never imagined my life without him. He had been in my life for seven years. I never thought it would have ended so suddenly. In order to sort out my emotions I wrote Terrence a letter that he would never read.
Terrence,
How could you be so selfish? Why did you end your life? When you were feeling depressed why didn’t you seek out help? You promised me years ago that you would fight your depression. We promised each other that we would talk things out. I did not even care if you did not talk to me. I just wanted you to be okay. I wanted you to be strong. But you decided not to be there for me. You made the decision to escape this world and leave me behind when you pulled the trigger. Why Terrence? How could you do that to me? Did you ever think about Alan? I can only hope that you found peace. I can only help that you are happier now.
Love always,
Flett
Weeks had passed since he died. I got a call from the United States Air Force. They were questioning his family and friends. Every time a suicide occurred while someone was serving, they wanted to know why. I told them I would be able to meet on day before I had to go to class. It was a very short conversation. Time was scheduled for us to meet and I hung up. I was nervous. What kind of questions would they ask? How did my name get brought up? Did I really have to relive his death again? It was still fresh in my head but I did not want to think about it.
A few days later and it was the day of the interview. I sat on my chair nervously waiting for them to come over.
“Dear God, please let this go quick and without painful memories,” I prayed.
A black car pulled into my driveway. Two people walked out. There was a man and a woman. He was dressed in a black suit. She had on a black skirt and blazer. She carried a brief case. They looked so official.
They knocked on my door and I quickly let them in. They introduced themselves but I do not remember their names. I sat down in my chair. They sat down on the couch where Terrence and I once kissed. It was ironic really.
They asked me the last time I saw him. They asked if he was acting differently that night. They asked if he talked about owning a gun or having one on him at all. I answered the questions to the best of my ability. It all seemed surreal.
Epilogue
Two years have passed since Terrence died. I miss him every day he is gone. I know in my heart that he was my true love. I also know that he is better off now that is he no longer suffering depression. I wish this story had a happy ending but we all know life does not always end happily. I have visited his grave twice a year since he passed. I go on January first because it was his birthday. I bring balloons to decorate his grave with. Dead or not, his birthday is worth celebrating. I also go on July 14th. That is the day he passed. It is the anniversary of the day that my life would forever change.